In your dreams!

OK so I keep having these dreams ... about BADA. They're so vivid and real. Somebody always pops up and all of a sudden I've been transfered back to London. Like last night John totally made out with me in front of Erin and she gave me a weird look but didn't say anything. OH! and when I was home I dreamt that somebody else had left Singer on the day of the production and we were all sitting around and I said "And then there were 10." And everybody laughed. And we put up the show anyway and I was doing so many other things that I missed my cue for the servant lines and they had to improv through it. What does this mean? It's so scary and real. I wake up and have to really snap out of it. STOP HAUNTING ME BADA!!!!

It is weird to be back. I walk across campus and run into people I haven't seen in ages. The states are weird. Everybody's walking around with the stunned "four more years" face. I miss being abroad. It's like I've just done something that I can't tell anybody else about (secret agent type shit).

I'm living off-campus and that's weird too. The place is GIGUNGOUS. It's a household through the Heart of Mary Center and they put you up in pretty nice quarters, furnished and close to school for 500 a month plus utilities. No contract. Month to Month rent. My own room! It's a great deal. I have to meet twice a month with the rest of the girls who are housed through Heart of Mary and we have faith-sharing/dinner/prayer meeting type things for an hour. I found it on Craig's list and my friend Abby affectionately refers to the area as "The Catholic Ghetto". HAHAHAHAHA! I died laughing. But that really is what it is. Right now I'm all by my lonesome but hopefully my apartment mates will be moving in next week. I don't know who they are but one girl is fresh from the abroad experience like me so I imagine we'll have a lot to talk about and we should get along fine. Here are pictures http://photos.yahoo.com/fierce727 That's the deal. Back to the place until work this evening.

Finally!

Back at USF! In my apartment! Back at work! Breathing the air of the bay! I missed this. I'm so weirded out though. I keep seeing people and they actually missed me and want to know what I'm up to. They like me. They really like me ... as Sally Field would say ... HAHA!




I've had a lot of thoughts lately but I've already prayed about it so it's in God's hands.

Shock of a freaking lifetime

Last night I saw one of the best films I've seen in ages. Closer with Julia Roberts and Jude Law with Natalie Portman was a tremendous movie. It was breathtaking. And I sat in shock the entire time just loving every moment only snapping out of it between scenes to pick my mouth up off the floor. It was set in London and made me miss it a lot but I came to some interesting points of clarity while I was watching about my own life. I need to be needed. I don't want to be needed. And the fact that this guy I am interested in (and who may or may not be interested in me) wouldn't need me either way is slightly bothering me. He's everything I want. Faithful, funny, adorable, busy with other things besides drinking and women, well dressed. This bugs. I can't have what I want because in some sick twisted way I need the one I want to need me before we can be together. But why oh why do I attract the ones that want me so bad and I can't even stand the thought of making them more than a hook-up? Are relationships built on need? Is being needed good for me? If I'm sick, I don't want to take medicine but I need to take medicine if I want my illness to dissipate. Is that a ridiculous analogy? Why am I even trying to make sense of this? I just want him to like me and show me (subtly) that he likes me. I'm driving myself mad trying to figure this out on my own. This is exactly what I didn't want to do when I got back to the states: obsess over some dude. BUT I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE WHEN I AM BEING A LOSER BY MYSELF HERE IN LA LA LAND! I talked to him. Told him we should hang out. He sounded enthusiastic but who can say for sure? I need to get out of here. Move into my apartment. It's so crucial. I'm going to go stir-crazy. Am I analyzing too much? Don't I always?