dear john

this will hurt. i'm leaving you for another. her name is new york. she's ready to show me things i've never seen before. she's got a place set up for me and at this point i'm not sure whether my relationship with new york will develop into romance or disdain. she's just new and different and in no way comparable to how i feel about you. she's just different. understand that i never meant to fall in love with you. it just happened that way. we're soulmates, you and i. and i'll be back but right now i think it's better if i leave. i still want us to be friends. i still love you. it has nothing to do with you, it's me. and i think i need to take this opportunity to be a little selfish. and i know you will grow leaps and bounds without me in your life. i won't be back to pick up my things. i'm only taking what i can carry so throw it out, give it to someone else, keep it. i don't care. the things we've acquired over the past four years don't mean anything more to me than a penny on the ground. i care about how much you've taken care of me and protected me and given me a sense of security. you took me as i was and gave me room to grow. i love you so much and can never forget all that you've given me. the person you've helped me to become is forever grateful and indebted to you. there's nothing left to say. the more i write, the more i cry and the less steps i take from walking away fully intact and composed. i'll write you again soon. sincerely, lauren

like a virgin

my save the children music man came to take me to dinner and a movie last night. and at first everything was cool. he got off of work late so was late coming to get me but we ended up sticking around campus and i tookhim to assab. and we had all this conversation which mostly centered around me ... just the way i like it. so everything's going pretty ok. according to plan anyway. he kept getting upset talking about how "we're breaking up tonight." i bust out laughing but i think he was serious. for real guy? don't you know that kind of talk scares people? and i hope he noticed the perplexed look i was giving him. and i hope he didn't mistake my laughter for anything but nervousness because he was freaking me out a little when he started to get all deep talking about beliefs and ideals and religion. all of a sudden we were on like 12th date material. and i hardly know him. at least he had to leave before 12 so that he could get home before bart stopped running. right?

wrong! we finished eating. stopped at the liquor store and i picked up some cab. we go back to my nearly empty apartment. he turned off all the lights and sat next to me on the couch and was like let's just relax. holding my hand and shit. well it was dark and i started to get sleepy but refused to drift off to sleep. and he kept touching me. which was fine and all if his motives hadn't been so obvious. apparently i was in for a house guest. not like i had plans for the evening. not like i had a birthday party to attend and a bottle of red to purchase. *sigh* he seriously tried to get me to not go to morgan's birthday party. and then made this whole big fuss about walking to the actual party. asking if any of my friends had cars and would be in attendance. declaring that he would get us a ride from the party back to my room. i tried to explain to him that nobody drives in this city. stupid. constantly inquiring on the way there whether or not there would be marijuana. when he found out that there would be weed i made my disgust with smoking pretty clear. he was like are you going to kiss me some more if i smoke. i said no. he said what if i buy a toothbrush and then went into the liquor store and bought a toothbrush! DEALBREAKER! i wanted to punch him in the face. this wasn't supposed to turn out this way. first dates don't just turn into overnighters. what kind of girl do you take me for?


then after an extended silence on the way to the party he says,

"you don't kiss like a virgin."

!!!!!!!

"what's that supposed to mean?"
"exactly."

!!!!!!!


DEALBREAKER! and we get to the party and he just makes himself right at home finds the smoking room and posts himself amidst all of the action. i drank some of my mini cab and then stayed outside with jenn and dan and marciano and amber the rest of the time until save the children music man came downstairs. and i left with him in tow. i couldn't believe the childishness of this man. sucking his teeth, pouting, huffing, and puffing. how old are we? let's act our age and not our shoe size. thanks. and then he tried to get me to lay next to him on the extra long twin mattress i put on the floor in my room. mmm. no. i'm sleeping in my bed and you're sleeping there. good night. and then he snored! he had the nerve to snore! this is why i cannot get married. i cannot deal with people in my space. making themselves all comfortable without my express written permission. ugh. i'm glad i got the hook up out of my system but dammit. why'd he have to be so crazy psycho? this is one for the record books.








i hate boys.

lessons

this week i've learned: there are three ways to spell it: F-O-R-W-A-R-D in reference to movement, F-O-R-E-W-O-R-D in reference to literature, and F-O-R-E-W-A-R-D in reference to the position in basketball. i love hearing my name i am not the hard ass i appear to be in my myspace picture when kelis sings "i'm back with an 808" she's referring to the penal code for disturbing the peace, not the area code for hawaii. conflict is always present, it's what you do with and how you react to the conflict that creates tension or lack thereof. i like being by myself (occassionally) i'm gonna be ok. and most importantly ... i like jermaine but i don't like tito