Live from New York

Let me begin by saying I have learned a lot about living simply by being deprived of the luxury that is constant free internet in my home. I have moved into the 24/7 Apple Store on 5th Ave and 59th St. And I have become those people I used to despise who check their myspace and facebook in the store.

While I have stopped blogging daily I have begun writing in my journal again. My hand hurts from teaching it how to pick up a pen again. However, as promised I will update so here are recent entries:

8/20

Finally I'm in NY
It's not what I expected.
Not that I expected anything. but
I miss SF. The fog & cold and bustle.
I guess soon enough I'll get 2 of 3.

8/22

The ghost and I have reconnected. And I think God really does have some strange power over the relationship the ghost and I have built. I never stopped caring for him. I had recently begun a forgive and forget process so that I could leave SF behind without all that baggage. He was the ghost that I had held on to for way too long. Time to be free. And as I'm packing up the last of my belongings I stumbled across a letter I'd planned on giving him the next time I ran into him. I didn't read it. I don't even recall what it said really. I ripped it up that morning and breathed a huge sigh thinking I had finally found the closure I needed. No more than 20 minutes later who should call but the ghost. My last day and I'm all packed and too through and here he is. Driving up in his Lincoln Town Car Mark VII. And I'm looking at him and in total awe of the entire situation and we're driving and everything's as though we'd never gone 6 months without seeing each other. Do you believe in signs? I do. I honestly believe he wouldn't have called if I hadn't tossed that letter. Honestly, when it comes down to it, I still believe in us. And we're in his car and listening to music and being in each other's company like we've always done. And I remember all the vivacious beauty, the excitement, tenacity, passion, joy, smiles, laughter, thoughfulness that made me fall for him in the first place. And I'm still in copious amounts of disbelief.
He's just
familiar
comfortable
joy
pain
a hand hold
a long embrace
a cool breeze
a hot day
a deep breath
a cup of tea
rain
sun
a hip hop beat
an angel
a long stride
security
a contradiction
a spark
a blaze
everything I'm not
everything I am
everything I aspire to be

and I feel a responsibility to him because he is all of these things to me. And I don't know when I'll see him again but when something's right you just fall right back into it. like memory foam, he knows how i fit. I was just convinced that things will work out. That I've found him again and even if a time comes for us to let go again our forever will come.

8/27

Whoa man I'm in New York. I'm living in the city that never sleeps and I don't know what to do with myself. I ant to go everywhere and do everything. That's kind of impossible in this huge ass place but shit, I'll try.

8/30

I just saw the most beautiful specimen of a man. He was that perfect chocolate that they ire black models to be. and all his clothes hat 2 foot were tailored to fit him. I just kept looking. I couldn't help it. He just looked that good.

So much truth on the subway. I don't mean truth. I mean defiance. They say stay alert on the train. But a woman was so tired she fell asleep mouth wide open. And she fought. B/C she woke up with a start but w/i seconds she was asleep again mouth wide open again.

Oh and I love the sign "Do not lean against the doors" and the man who seems to perfectly fashion his body as to imitate the diagram that follows the warning.

"Be First."

dear john

this will hurt. i'm leaving you for another. her name is new york. she's ready to show me things i've never seen before. she's got a place set up for me and at this point i'm not sure whether my relationship with new york will develop into romance or disdain. she's just new and different and in no way comparable to how i feel about you. she's just different. understand that i never meant to fall in love with you. it just happened that way. we're soulmates, you and i. and i'll be back but right now i think it's better if i leave. i still want us to be friends. i still love you. it has nothing to do with you, it's me. and i think i need to take this opportunity to be a little selfish. and i know you will grow leaps and bounds without me in your life. i won't be back to pick up my things. i'm only taking what i can carry so throw it out, give it to someone else, keep it. i don't care. the things we've acquired over the past four years don't mean anything more to me than a penny on the ground. i care about how much you've taken care of me and protected me and given me a sense of security. you took me as i was and gave me room to grow. i love you so much and can never forget all that you've given me. the person you've helped me to become is forever grateful and indebted to you. there's nothing left to say. the more i write, the more i cry and the less steps i take from walking away fully intact and composed. i'll write you again soon. sincerely, lauren

like a virgin

my save the children music man came to take me to dinner and a movie last night. and at first everything was cool. he got off of work late so was late coming to get me but we ended up sticking around campus and i tookhim to assab. and we had all this conversation which mostly centered around me ... just the way i like it. so everything's going pretty ok. according to plan anyway. he kept getting upset talking about how "we're breaking up tonight." i bust out laughing but i think he was serious. for real guy? don't you know that kind of talk scares people? and i hope he noticed the perplexed look i was giving him. and i hope he didn't mistake my laughter for anything but nervousness because he was freaking me out a little when he started to get all deep talking about beliefs and ideals and religion. all of a sudden we were on like 12th date material. and i hardly know him. at least he had to leave before 12 so that he could get home before bart stopped running. right?

wrong! we finished eating. stopped at the liquor store and i picked up some cab. we go back to my nearly empty apartment. he turned off all the lights and sat next to me on the couch and was like let's just relax. holding my hand and shit. well it was dark and i started to get sleepy but refused to drift off to sleep. and he kept touching me. which was fine and all if his motives hadn't been so obvious. apparently i was in for a house guest. not like i had plans for the evening. not like i had a birthday party to attend and a bottle of red to purchase. *sigh* he seriously tried to get me to not go to morgan's birthday party. and then made this whole big fuss about walking to the actual party. asking if any of my friends had cars and would be in attendance. declaring that he would get us a ride from the party back to my room. i tried to explain to him that nobody drives in this city. stupid. constantly inquiring on the way there whether or not there would be marijuana. when he found out that there would be weed i made my disgust with smoking pretty clear. he was like are you going to kiss me some more if i smoke. i said no. he said what if i buy a toothbrush and then went into the liquor store and bought a toothbrush! DEALBREAKER! i wanted to punch him in the face. this wasn't supposed to turn out this way. first dates don't just turn into overnighters. what kind of girl do you take me for?


then after an extended silence on the way to the party he says,

"you don't kiss like a virgin."

!!!!!!!

"what's that supposed to mean?"
"exactly."

!!!!!!!


DEALBREAKER! and we get to the party and he just makes himself right at home finds the smoking room and posts himself amidst all of the action. i drank some of my mini cab and then stayed outside with jenn and dan and marciano and amber the rest of the time until save the children music man came downstairs. and i left with him in tow. i couldn't believe the childishness of this man. sucking his teeth, pouting, huffing, and puffing. how old are we? let's act our age and not our shoe size. thanks. and then he tried to get me to lay next to him on the extra long twin mattress i put on the floor in my room. mmm. no. i'm sleeping in my bed and you're sleeping there. good night. and then he snored! he had the nerve to snore! this is why i cannot get married. i cannot deal with people in my space. making themselves all comfortable without my express written permission. ugh. i'm glad i got the hook up out of my system but dammit. why'd he have to be so crazy psycho? this is one for the record books.








i hate boys.