sleepwalking

so this kid i met months ago calls me up thursday night. seemingly out of the blue. until i realize that he is the same guy who tried to talk to me on the train a couple weeks ago and i gave him a fake number and told him i was married. so he calls my cell leaves a message asking how i'm doing since i broke my ankle. i call him back since he sounds pretty sincere. i leave a message. he calls the next day and tries to get himself invited to my place. saying he wants to give me a massage and talking about all the things he'll do for me. being no less than explicit about wanting to have sex with me. EW! you don't even know me. and the moment i suggest getting to know each other ... you have plans right? you're all of a sudden trying new tactics like being concerned about my physical health and telling me how beautiful i am and talking about if i go to school make sure i know it's something i want to do. but if you would take the time to talk to me you would already know that i have a degree. boys are so dumb. for once i'd like to meet somebody who doesn't think they will do me a big favor by being my first. please leave that noise at the door. why is it such a chore to come correct? wine me, dine me ... take me out to brunch. let's go see the new silent film exhibit at MoMA. BE ORIGINAL! ok. i'm done with that. it's super bowl sunday! don't you love those commercials? i know i do. GO HUSKIES! um ... TIGERS?! right .... my week looks ... busy. i don't know how i'm going to fit in all the work i have to do and still make time for sleep. between applying for FIT, planning for After School Love Week, community night, organizing my music collection, and dodging boys with penises for brains ... honestly?! can a girl get a break?

starting over.

my last blog was entirely too long ago. so i've decided to commit to this thing once and for all. getting my thoughts out of my brain and through my fingertips is very important to me. and sadly i have to schedule it in but here i am. commited to writing whenever i can.

i just got back from a retreat on social justice and simplicity. i knew coming into this year that simplicity was going to be my biggest challenge. i didn't quite get it. so i tried to interpret it before coming as cutting down on what i already own. that worked out well. helped on the move across the country. but i'm curious how much stuff i have acquired since i arrived. i know i've spent a significant portion of what i had saved. some of that on loans and some of the spending may be described as frivolous but i really have been much more conscious. i figured i could do this as long as i thought about it. but this weekend i realized that my life could do with a whole lot more consciousness. i've started to consider not only how i spend money but how i also spend time. is it meaningful to be back and forth on people's myspace pages? is my decision to not eat red meat meaningful? what do i do when there is "nothing to do"? what do i do when there is plenty to do? had a lot to think about this weekend. a whole lot. and i'm still thinking how i can improve but i'm going to start with writing, wearing a watch, and leaving my phone at home on the weekdays. we'll see where this leads.

we watched a documentary while we were on retreat too called "fighting for life in the death belt". and it's very simply filmed and is a very powerful story about the hoops lawyers jump through to get people off death row. i am very much against capital punishment until someone can explain to me how exactly it makes sense to kill people for killing people. it teaches nothing. to anyone. and no, the world is not perfect and people aren't perfect but who are we to decide whether someone deserves to live or die? it's such an archaic way of living (no pun intended.)

i met some amazing people this weekend.



one of them being tom cornell. he is probably one of the most fascinating people i have had the opportunity to talk with. he used to chill with dorothy day and tom merton. and he's had a most fascinating life working and writing for the catholic worker and fighting for civil rights. he's brilliant too and has an incredible view on the way things should be. i love old people. i could listen to them talk all day. anyway his son is available and single and writes for the catholic worker and tom is praying for him daily. needless to say ... all the single volunteers are planning to visit tom's farm soon.

i also had the chance to spend a lot of time with sophia thompson. this little girl is really something else and absolutely brilliant in her own right. i never tired of playing with her and when sophia laughs ... my heart literally skips a beat. we had so much fun together and all i could think was if only her innocence could be preserved forever and she could be shielded from the pain and terror of our world, a world set up for destruction if we don't get our act together in the next few years. i love kids. sophia made me actually consider having kids again. have to find somebody to assist with that first though. one of the only things you can't make happen on your own. how strange life is.

equimi?

i saw stomp the yard yesterday. i enjoyed it. it was a nice story of overcoming obstacles and using your talents to rise above challenges. i'm all about it. but allow me to point out one thing. is it just me or does columbus short, the lead hottie kinda remind you of a certain ghost?



that's not a very good photo of him but damn i swear there were moments looking at the screen where i swear the ghost was staring right back at me. ugh. so then i couldn't get the ghost off the brain. then i called the ghost. because i have no will power. and then he answers and has to go. and says he'll call and then he doesn't and then i'm an idiot for holding on to a ghost who doesn't want to be held and trying to save a ghost that doesn't want to be saved. but i have a date tonight and am convinced that will not go off as planned but am holding out for 2500 mile away father to be. WHAT DRUGS AM I ON?!

I just don't like to be wrong and the more i (don't) talk to the ghost the more i realize how wrong i am. what's so wrong with being full of pride? i'll tell you what's wrong. it makes you delusional!

maybe the date will work out tonight. if anything i should get a free cup of coffee out of it right?

get up get out get something

I am boot free. Finally. It's still a little tough walking. I can't quite go for a run or anything but everything's a little brighter, the music's a little louder and the days are a little longer without the giant boot weighing me down. Maybe now I can start to focus on more important things, like paying my bills and getting into FIT. I'm just waiting for the rest of my application to show up in the mail.

I am so pumped because my love Cristina is on the same coast as me. I miss San Francisco. And my san francisco friends. But I can't say I'm not happy to be here. I'm bowled over with joy and excitement because everyday I wake up is everyday closer to making my dreams come true. And any bad day here is better than anyday at home. I'm doing it. I may have been slow going but all I can think about is how I did it. I escaped. And going back to my class reunion and just shining. Because shoes don't matter anymore. Who you hang out with doesn't matter anymore. I don't live by the standards of people my age. I make my own rules. Try and stop me.

decisions, decisions, decisions.

Finish what I start. Stop thinking about things that are not worth my time. Write songs. Sleep less. Take more walks. Save when I can, where I can. Smell good. Make new friends. Keep old friends. Study vogue like it is my job. Write much much much more. Cook more. Allow myself to be inspired daily.

lauren and the invisibles

Today is Christmas. And everything is going as planned. I woke up this morning. Made a lovely breakfast. Had a hot cup of chai. Chatted with my mommy. Checked the movie times and bought a ticket online for the 215 show. I hustled out of the house and on to the train. The movie was sold out when I get here so I was pumped that I bought my ticket before I left. Hooray for Fandango! I'm getting ready to take my seat in the disabled section and this bitch just rolls up behind me like she doesn't see me and my bright blue purse and TAKES MY SEAT! I just walked across the theater to another seat as she called after me. Fuck you lady. Take the seat. Then she tried to come and tell me to take the seat after she's found somewhere better to sit. I can't stand people. But I'm not going to let it ruin my day.

Merry Christmas everyone. Hope you're celebrating the birth of our Lord with the ones you love and basking in the true spirit of the holiday. And if you're not Christian ... Hope you have a chill day off ... And if you're still working for the man ... Sucks to be you baby, but this too shall pass.

it sucks to be you, michael richards

i was flipping channels last night and paused on tbs to catch an episode of seinfeld. and while i don't want to judge this man ... it's ruined for me now. can't stand to see the guy on tv. i thought it wouldn't bother me at all to see old episodes of the show and to see krazy cosmo. i just can't bring myself to do so. the idea of supporting the career of someone who has so much hatred within him. it just doesn't sit well with me. and all the rage that spewed out of him came flooding back. the screaming "he's a nigger! he's a nigger!" is still ringing in my head.i imagine if i had a friend who revealed such awful inner feelings that i would have to abandon them in the same way. and his apology doesn't do anything for me. i don't care that he's sorry to whoever he offended. he needs to start feeling sorry for himself. i sure feel sorry for him. and i'll keep praying for him because that's all i can do.

back seat riding

I'm in a mini limo on my way to the doctor's office. My driver smells like dollar store cologne. Lots of it. Ugh! Honestly? Must you bathe in it? Can u just use a bar of dial soap and call it good?

Uhoh Vanessa Carlton's on the radio. He likes this song. He turned down the intercom from his job.

I'm so not feeling the day. I think it's mostly because today is the day Morgan was supposed to come. And now I have to wait til march and it isn't fair but life isn't fair I suppose. And your plans don't always turn out the way they are supposed to. And on top of all that I don't think I got my stipend today.

Why do bad things happen to wonderful people? I mean this is nothing. Compared to most of the world I've got it pretty damn good. Look where I am. Riding in a mini limo while the scene of the Astoria projects passes me by. This is fairly surreal don't u think?

Watched Grey's last night. Seriously? So much drama on that show. Sometimes I don't know how they think of it all. Derek's sister was hilarious! For half the show I couldn't figure out who the hell she was and then it came to me in the middle of the show. Miss Honey! From Matilda. I love that movie.

Anyway that's the update from the back seat.

broken. not broke.

The outpouring of concern for my health and well being from the very second I broke my ankle has been abundant and has really helped me to realize how rich in love I am. I'm all patched up now and I think that with the continued prayers and well wishes I'll be back in action in no time. You should see me on crutches. Seriously. I'm a pro already.

I may be going home to hawthorne for a few days so be on the lookout for some moaning and groaning about how much I despise L.A. My doc said it'd be best to wait until I got my sutures(sp?) out before I flew home so I'll know more after nov. 3. I'm on vicodin and aspirin to reduce pain and swelling respectively. And it's tough passing the minutes on the couch but it's gotta be done I suppose.



I keep dreaming about my job. Who does that?

my other home has 24 industrial dryers

i'm so thirsty. i'm not getting enough liquids i know. because i'm too busy scratching myself and scrounging for a meal. ah ... the new york life.

there is a box in a townhouse in hawthorne and it needs to be shipped to me. everyone that lives in that house disabled so if you feel the need to help out i would give you all the love i can muster up from the depths of my heart because i don't make any money.

i've been to the classic laundromat so much in the past 3 weeks that the people who work here probably know me by name. they probably have lengthy conversations about their customers including that one black girl who always brings her laundry in plastic garbage bags and scratches her arms while she waits. i think ethan hawke filmed one of his movies here because there are 2 framed pictures of him and the guy who played trey in sex and the city with very dramatic looks on their faces.

yesterday i had to get out of the bug infested house so i just walked from the apple store (my second home) to union square down 5th avenue. there i sat in the park and read until some random guy announced that it was going to rain. it didn't rain but i ran for cover anyway into the cafe at whole foods. those nyu kids have it good. a whole foods and a trader joe's within seconds of each other. i think i spotted kiera knightley's husband from love actually while i was walking through the park yesterday. i'm pretty sure it was him. he has pretty distinct features.

work was hell today because i spent half the previous night sleeping on the kitchen table to keep from getting bit more. and i spent half the day on a return from the drowsy state that generic atarax produces because i took it at 3:30am and had to be out the door at 8:15am to get to my supervisors house by 10am. ugh. and i felt nauseous all day long.

i'm in the process of disinfecting my room. i don't think the fumigation job done 3 weeks ago was very thorough so i'm taking matters into my own hands. my new motto for everything pretty much is "if you want something done right you gotta do it yourself." if the bugs come back this time however i am all about moving to another location. there's no harm in asking anyway. all i know is i cannot go another night of sleeping on the kitchen table. the situation has surpassed ridiculous.

on the other hand. i love new york and have never felt so astonished and so alive as i have with every moment i spend in this place.

oh hey! i will be attending the soa watch for the first time ever this year. if anyone's going, call me. that's the update. i'm tired.

2 weeks 2 long

It's been a crazy, crazy, 2 weeks.

I don't even know where to begin. Let me think. My job is cool. No kids until Monday but for those of you who know what's up I will be doing a modified version of Company with the little ones. 12 - 13 year olds. We'll play together for a couple weeks. Find an issue that interests them. Do community service in the vein of that issue. Write, direct, produce, and execute a fabulous show at the end of the year. And we might even get to go on tour to other schools and communities in NYC. Sounds exciting no? I'm excited. My supervisor responded well to my idea. My staff seems to like me as well. They're crazy. But hey it's cool to be around crazy people sometimes. Marcello the dance specialist told me that he was planning on being mean to the new volunteer but because I'm so nice he couldn't be mean. SCORE!

Living in community has its challenges of course. One of the worst is grocery shopping. Never do that with 4 other people with four radically different opinions of what we should eat for the next 2 weeks. I love coming home and knowing that there are people happy to see me. I love just sitting and talking and being without an operating television. And not having internet on a regular basis isn't so bad. I do other things now besides myspace. Like getting my apartment fumigated for bed bugs. Jealous?

Live from New York

Let me begin by saying I have learned a lot about living simply by being deprived of the luxury that is constant free internet in my home. I have moved into the 24/7 Apple Store on 5th Ave and 59th St. And I have become those people I used to despise who check their myspace and facebook in the store.

While I have stopped blogging daily I have begun writing in my journal again. My hand hurts from teaching it how to pick up a pen again. However, as promised I will update so here are recent entries:

8/20

Finally I'm in NY
It's not what I expected.
Not that I expected anything. but
I miss SF. The fog & cold and bustle.
I guess soon enough I'll get 2 of 3.

8/22

The ghost and I have reconnected. And I think God really does have some strange power over the relationship the ghost and I have built. I never stopped caring for him. I had recently begun a forgive and forget process so that I could leave SF behind without all that baggage. He was the ghost that I had held on to for way too long. Time to be free. And as I'm packing up the last of my belongings I stumbled across a letter I'd planned on giving him the next time I ran into him. I didn't read it. I don't even recall what it said really. I ripped it up that morning and breathed a huge sigh thinking I had finally found the closure I needed. No more than 20 minutes later who should call but the ghost. My last day and I'm all packed and too through and here he is. Driving up in his Lincoln Town Car Mark VII. And I'm looking at him and in total awe of the entire situation and we're driving and everything's as though we'd never gone 6 months without seeing each other. Do you believe in signs? I do. I honestly believe he wouldn't have called if I hadn't tossed that letter. Honestly, when it comes down to it, I still believe in us. And we're in his car and listening to music and being in each other's company like we've always done. And I remember all the vivacious beauty, the excitement, tenacity, passion, joy, smiles, laughter, thoughfulness that made me fall for him in the first place. And I'm still in copious amounts of disbelief.
He's just
familiar
comfortable
joy
pain
a hand hold
a long embrace
a cool breeze
a hot day
a deep breath
a cup of tea
rain
sun
a hip hop beat
an angel
a long stride
security
a contradiction
a spark
a blaze
everything I'm not
everything I am
everything I aspire to be

and I feel a responsibility to him because he is all of these things to me. And I don't know when I'll see him again but when something's right you just fall right back into it. like memory foam, he knows how i fit. I was just convinced that things will work out. That I've found him again and even if a time comes for us to let go again our forever will come.

8/27

Whoa man I'm in New York. I'm living in the city that never sleeps and I don't know what to do with myself. I ant to go everywhere and do everything. That's kind of impossible in this huge ass place but shit, I'll try.

8/30

I just saw the most beautiful specimen of a man. He was that perfect chocolate that they ire black models to be. and all his clothes hat 2 foot were tailored to fit him. I just kept looking. I couldn't help it. He just looked that good.

So much truth on the subway. I don't mean truth. I mean defiance. They say stay alert on the train. But a woman was so tired she fell asleep mouth wide open. And she fought. B/C she woke up with a start but w/i seconds she was asleep again mouth wide open again.

Oh and I love the sign "Do not lean against the doors" and the man who seems to perfectly fashion his body as to imitate the diagram that follows the warning.

"Be First."

dear john

this will hurt. i'm leaving you for another. her name is new york. she's ready to show me things i've never seen before. she's got a place set up for me and at this point i'm not sure whether my relationship with new york will develop into romance or disdain. she's just new and different and in no way comparable to how i feel about you. she's just different. understand that i never meant to fall in love with you. it just happened that way. we're soulmates, you and i. and i'll be back but right now i think it's better if i leave. i still want us to be friends. i still love you. it has nothing to do with you, it's me. and i think i need to take this opportunity to be a little selfish. and i know you will grow leaps and bounds without me in your life. i won't be back to pick up my things. i'm only taking what i can carry so throw it out, give it to someone else, keep it. i don't care. the things we've acquired over the past four years don't mean anything more to me than a penny on the ground. i care about how much you've taken care of me and protected me and given me a sense of security. you took me as i was and gave me room to grow. i love you so much and can never forget all that you've given me. the person you've helped me to become is forever grateful and indebted to you. there's nothing left to say. the more i write, the more i cry and the less steps i take from walking away fully intact and composed. i'll write you again soon. sincerely, lauren

like a virgin

my save the children music man came to take me to dinner and a movie last night. and at first everything was cool. he got off of work late so was late coming to get me but we ended up sticking around campus and i tookhim to assab. and we had all this conversation which mostly centered around me ... just the way i like it. so everything's going pretty ok. according to plan anyway. he kept getting upset talking about how "we're breaking up tonight." i bust out laughing but i think he was serious. for real guy? don't you know that kind of talk scares people? and i hope he noticed the perplexed look i was giving him. and i hope he didn't mistake my laughter for anything but nervousness because he was freaking me out a little when he started to get all deep talking about beliefs and ideals and religion. all of a sudden we were on like 12th date material. and i hardly know him. at least he had to leave before 12 so that he could get home before bart stopped running. right?

wrong! we finished eating. stopped at the liquor store and i picked up some cab. we go back to my nearly empty apartment. he turned off all the lights and sat next to me on the couch and was like let's just relax. holding my hand and shit. well it was dark and i started to get sleepy but refused to drift off to sleep. and he kept touching me. which was fine and all if his motives hadn't been so obvious. apparently i was in for a house guest. not like i had plans for the evening. not like i had a birthday party to attend and a bottle of red to purchase. *sigh* he seriously tried to get me to not go to morgan's birthday party. and then made this whole big fuss about walking to the actual party. asking if any of my friends had cars and would be in attendance. declaring that he would get us a ride from the party back to my room. i tried to explain to him that nobody drives in this city. stupid. constantly inquiring on the way there whether or not there would be marijuana. when he found out that there would be weed i made my disgust with smoking pretty clear. he was like are you going to kiss me some more if i smoke. i said no. he said what if i buy a toothbrush and then went into the liquor store and bought a toothbrush! DEALBREAKER! i wanted to punch him in the face. this wasn't supposed to turn out this way. first dates don't just turn into overnighters. what kind of girl do you take me for?


then after an extended silence on the way to the party he says,

"you don't kiss like a virgin."

!!!!!!!

"what's that supposed to mean?"
"exactly."

!!!!!!!


DEALBREAKER! and we get to the party and he just makes himself right at home finds the smoking room and posts himself amidst all of the action. i drank some of my mini cab and then stayed outside with jenn and dan and marciano and amber the rest of the time until save the children music man came downstairs. and i left with him in tow. i couldn't believe the childishness of this man. sucking his teeth, pouting, huffing, and puffing. how old are we? let's act our age and not our shoe size. thanks. and then he tried to get me to lay next to him on the extra long twin mattress i put on the floor in my room. mmm. no. i'm sleeping in my bed and you're sleeping there. good night. and then he snored! he had the nerve to snore! this is why i cannot get married. i cannot deal with people in my space. making themselves all comfortable without my express written permission. ugh. i'm glad i got the hook up out of my system but dammit. why'd he have to be so crazy psycho? this is one for the record books.








i hate boys.

lessons

this week i've learned: there are three ways to spell it: F-O-R-W-A-R-D in reference to movement, F-O-R-E-W-O-R-D in reference to literature, and F-O-R-E-W-A-R-D in reference to the position in basketball. i love hearing my name i am not the hard ass i appear to be in my myspace picture when kelis sings "i'm back with an 808" she's referring to the penal code for disturbing the peace, not the area code for hawaii. conflict is always present, it's what you do with and how you react to the conflict that creates tension or lack thereof. i like being by myself (occassionally) i'm gonna be ok. and most importantly ... i like jermaine but i don't like tito

hide and seek, show and tell

everytime i meet someone new they want to know two things. why do i smile so much and what is that thing on my chest? well lets settle it once and for all. i am a huge extrovert i feed off of people. like a freaking monster from war of the worlds. people just get my blood pumping. and i automatically smile and am more prone to laugh. that doesn't mean i'm happy all the time. that doesn't mean i'm even happy at that moment. all it means is that i'm reacting to being around people wonderful people like you who make me smile. it is also a defense mechanism. i don't really care to wallow in whatever is concerning me and overwhelming my thoughts. wait. i take that back. i don't care to have you know all my problems. and if i don't put my defense mechanism on that means i'm just tired of hiding or you caught me with my guard down. because i'm so on the move and have so large of a social circle i have to put on a lot of different faces and i'm sure if you stop and think about it you probably do the same thing. in any case i'd venture to say people only really truly know what's going on with me when i can't deal with being on my own. and when that happens i go see morgan and i go see cristina. no one else. i don't really articulate my feelings very well so if i'm in need of someone's presence to process those are the two people i've got. and i'm happy with them and don't need other people to try and replace them. once my visible emotions are balanced around you then i've gained comfort in our friendship enough that i don't feel like i need to hide behind a smile all the time. if i'm pretty mellow around you and laugh when you laugh and don't feel the need to constantly create situations for laughing and smiling then hey cool you've broken lauren's superficial layer. the thing on my chest is a keloid. a keloid is an over healed scar. my keloid is from the chicken pox. i had the chicken pox when i was 6. the scar started out small and then grew as i grew. i'd remove it if i felt like i needed to. or if it was a danger to my health. but it's just there. and it doesn't hurt. sometimes it'll itch like a bitch but that's the worst of it. so thanks for your concern. :-)

Denise & DPL

My best friend came to pick Morgan and I up. Denise and I have been friends for 7 years now. I've never had a friend for so long. Sure, we've had our issues but this girl has stuck by me through a whole bunch of madness. I've been so lucky. Back out in good ol' Lynwood was weird. When Denise's friend from CSULA Araceli showed up we headed out to Artesia to get Denise's eyebrows threaded. That was intense to watch. They just pull you in a chair and start literally thread to brow. And apparently Artesia is home to "Little India". I miss India. That was one amazing country to be in. I need to go back. We went in all these little shops and suddenly I was taken back to last summer and walking the pavement and dirt roads and bartering with vendors. What an incredible time. The first store we went to I bought an awesome pair of earring and in another store I got this really cute top that I would get really dirty looks for if I wore it in India. That afternoon we had some Indian food. It was pretty good but the Vegetable pakora was over cooked (oh well). It was good to see Denise but I was over our visiting after awhile. I think because I'm much more used to just being with Denise and no one else. So I had my aunt come pick Morgan and I up after she got out of school. Besides we had already made plans for that night to hit Da Poetry Lounge @ Fairfax High. I had called Howard earlier to see if he wanted to go and all arrangements had been made. And since Denise wasn't down to go I was pretty whatever about the situation. So we step out to DPL. I had told Morgan all about it because Shihan from Def Poetry Jam was going to be there. YES! He is so beautiful. I first saw him on my 1st or 2nd visit to DPL and he did this poem called Love Like that was sooooooo good. When I got back up to the bay this winter Morgan asked me to come watch the first season of Def Poetry Jam that she had recently gotten on DVD. Surprise, Surprise! There's Shihan and Morgan freaking out when I tell her I've seen him live. I think that is where our idea for her coming out for Spring Break came from. She was not disappointed. Sad though, Shihan doesn't perform anymore. He just hosts.

A day at the beach

It was pretty nice out for a bit so Morgan and I head to the beach for a little relaxation. The ocean sounded nice and we just set up shop and read mags until it got too breezy. Then we walked to downtown Manhattan Beach to find Jamba Juice. YUM! It was cold but it was good mmm-hmmm. We walked in a couple shops and hung out down there until my mom came and got us from Peet's Coffee. It was so cute because these three old ladies were sitting together on a weekday solving a crossword puzzle. It was the cutest thing. I should write a story about it. We made a stop at Blockbuster picked up a few DVDs and watched Ray at home. That was a great movie. Jamie Foxx totally deserved the Oscar even though I didn't see any of the other movies and I am slightly biased ... he totally deserved all his honors. I had no clue Ray Charles was such a womanizer. That was real serious. But I loved his story of trial and tribulation. That was a directing task if I ever saw one.

Sunday Sunday Sunday

We took off for 3rd Street Promenade for some shopping. Of course the first store we see requires spending. I bought this really cute blue shrug that I'm sort of in love with. It's not really a shrug. It's more of a short sleeve cardigan (the one in my picture) but the point is it's hot and I love it. WE FOUND ZARA! This really great store that Morgan and I discovered on our seperate abroad experiences. Awww I miss London whenever I'm reminded of it. It was so great to be in another country for an extended period of time. It was really an amazing time. I hope I can go back one day soon because I missed a lot of the city while I was doing the program. The shit was rigorous. I got my grades back. I did pretty well -- B+ Average -- and they did these evaluations for each class I had ... same complaints ... stand up straight, have confidence. I thought I had squashed the confidence issue but I guess not. I was sure I had people fooled. Maybe I do in other situations. When I'm on stage I feel naked I guess and vulnerable. That comes through in my body language I suppose. Most of what they said I knew already. But my director for Singer definitely said some surprising things about how my good days were great but my bad days were noticeable. The thing is he never addressed it with me. Is that too much to expect -- that if you have a problem with me you'll let me know or express concern in some kind of way? I guess so but whatever. What's done is done and I don't regret it at all. I learned tons. Classes was my favorite part. My professors were amazing and I had a very supportive group of people to work with...for the most part anyway

Ready ... BREAK!

Whoever thought of Spring Break should receive a Nobel Peace Prize. That's what I think anyway. I was very happy to be in my bed and let it be known that I slept for 12 hours my first night back at home. Man was it good. I don't even remember Friday. I never sleep in. Even on weekends I'm up and at 'em on a max of 8 1/2 hours if there's no alarm to tell me otherwise. Anything over that is a huge accomplishment. Morgan came wand we had some folks over the house for dinner that evening. My mom's friend from primerica brought her baby. And of course my hormones go into over drive. I might as well have started to lactate because it was seriously the cuetest baby ever ... besides me of course ... I was pretty cute. And she was so good! She just sat and watched people ... SO PRECIOUS! I wonder what life would have been like if I had had a baby. I imagine pretty sucky. I always say "I want a baby!" but I'm just joshin' ya. I can't imagine my selfish lifestyle being cut short. How would I make it to London? My best friend is pregnant with her 2nd child. Hey crackhead ... i don't feel good. Why? Because I'm pregnant again. I couldn't take that as my lot in life. I'm having way too much fun. If I hadn't gone to college ... uh uh ... not even fathomable. I can't even stay in a relationship for more than a couple months ... babies?! YEAH RIGHT! Having company was fun. We played Taboo. I'm still good at that game. My team won of course :-)