Being part of the MySpace group Black/Ebony Folks does NOT make me a racist

Please get on the real tip young people. I know we're all trying to be politically correct and inclusive of all races but let me break it down for my own damn sanity why I like, love, and need BSU at USF and Black/Ebony folks on MySpace.

I am a black woman. I assume my ancestors came from Africa. I assume they were lured onto a ship and brought across the Atlantic Ocean to slave away in the new world and abandon their royal status in their homeland. I assume that the people that owned my ancestors were named Smith and Clagon and Jones and Shipe. Why do I assume? Because my family history is not written down. I can trace my lineage back to when my great grandmother on my mother's side was born 105 years ago. That's not a lot. 4 generations, compared to the 12-13 I hear some people discuss at great length, sucks actually. Nobody wrote anything about my family because I assume we didn't speak or write in English. I know this story is not unique to black people in America. But I feel a deep sadness when I don't have another country to go home to or to call home anyway. I want to explain it to myself but the words aren't really coming together. I can't say that I'm Egyptian American or Algerian American. Why do I only have to attach an entire continent to my American status because nobody's really sure? But that's fine. I can't change slavery or go back in time 400 years to figure it out.

So ... I connect to some people who happen to be my same color and have this same crisis. We talk, we laugh, we fight. We know what the other is feeling and having that security is what is needed for our survival. I'm searching for an identity that I will never find and in that search I am creating an identity with these people who are doing the same thing. It's like baking something from scratch with no recipe. If you don't have the right ingredients you're going to fuck up a few times. Sometimes you'll just want to give up because it's not turning out just the way you want it. But I for one am continuing to try and bring together this community of people: to establish our culture. I know some people want to try to understand: turn my culture into a trend by saying nigga and think that it's all good because they're my friend. But nothing's going to change if you're not willing to put in the educational prowess this struggle deserves. So, cool, come to my BSU meetings. Join Black/Ebony Folks ... I could give a damn. Just know that you aren't going to connect to me the same way if you aren't coming from this struggle. The struggle didn't end with the Emancipation Proclamation or Jim Crow Laws being abandoned. It's been going on. It's still going on. It's going to keep going on. Don't try to say "Oh yeah, I don't know my family history either." This shit runs so deep you can't even begin to fathom what the world is through my eyes.

Just had to get that off my chest. People make me go off sometimes.

Damn Boyz II Men wasn't lyin'

I just said bye to two of my closest friends today. It's happening in sequential order from last to first friend. I said bye to Lauren first in May, then Cristina and I had our last shopping trip in So. Cal today before she takes off to Rome. Then Donisha and I hit up The Grove and Coldstone's (YUM!) before she leaves tomorrow morning for The Bend. Denise is supposed to come around sometime this week and then when she comes to my house we'll go see Judy.

I love my friends. They all are so special to me in such different ways. I know I'm going to do big thangs this semester it's just the feel of this year. we're halfway there. We're half full on the college education tip. This is the tipping point. I don't even know how things are gonna be when I get back. I'm not afraid though. Just not ready for the changes. You better believe I'm ready to leave though! I would get on that plane today if I could. AND I just figured out that I have a mid-semester break during which I will be exiting the old country to go ... somewhere ... shit everywhere I can!

I was talking to Cristina earlier about just not giving a fuck when I leave. Which in all honesty will more than likely be the case. I'm not a sap (anymore). Shit that used to make me emotional simply does not move me anymore. Does that mean I'm unfeeling, cold, and heartless? NO! I just have a better outlook on things. I don't look at the present and say "Oh this sucks" I look at the present and say "Look what I'm going to have to look forward to in the future." My friends keep me going. They give me hope for that next phase in my life. I'd be really depressed if I dwelled in the present all the time. Everything's going to change when I get back. That's the point! This is life-changing! Do not weep or sulk for what you leave behind. Rejoice for what awaits when you return.

Still ... It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday (but I'll suck it up for a trip to Europe anyday of the week)

Ultimate Crazed Birthday Weekend!

OK so on Thursday night my mom dropped me off in Northridge to Cristina and her mom's place. It was great because Cristina's mommy's birthday is the same day as mine so we kinda celebrated together. It was cute! I love Tina's mom! She rox!

Then on Friday morning I got up at like 6:45AM. I drank a cup of coffee and watched Tina's mom get ready for work. Tina woke up and we were off on the road to pick up Michelle at around 9:00AM. It was great that we were early because we had to pack the truck with all of Michelle's shit!

When we get to Rialto I call Michelle about a million times and she doesn't answer. We have no clue why because she said that she would be awake and she wasn't of course. She was up all night packing and unpacking and repacking and once we finally got in touch with her we had been in Rialto for about an hour. Now we're no longer early but right on schedule, which I hate but ... whatever! We get to the house and I can tell she's been crying but I don't say anything because we've got to get cracking on packing the truck. We get everything all squared away and Michelle needs to make a couple stops. We see her grandparents and cousins and then we stop to get her perscription then finally we're on our way! We take the route Michelle's mom has mapped out for us and it's crazy changing highways but by evening we make it to the city! I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself but I'm also really tired.

We went to Jenn's place to park the car and Michelle and I crashed there for the night. Anil was there to steal Cristina away for the weekend. We went to this restaurant Q for my birthday which was great except for the fact that the food didn't agree too well with me. How awesome was it to sit at a table with a tree growing out of the middle?! HAHA! I read about it on Citysearch and was so excited when they sat us there. Once we got back we all watched the Opening Ceremonies for the Olympics and that was fun to see all the HOT Greek boys. Tina and Anil left and I crashed!

The next morning Chad (love Chad) came over and Michelle Jenn he and I went to lunch at Squat and Gobble on Haight. I bought the new Slum Village album at Amoeba and then Saturday afternoon went to Macy's with Reve and did a little shopping until I got ahold of Makeda that night and stayed in the dorms. That was cool. Every night just got better and better as far as sleeping arrangements went. That night, Tekk and us went over to see their Loyola apartments. Makeda's living with 5 other girls! I told her she could come visit me if she ewants to get away from the drama for awhile.

Sunday I went to mass at 9:30 AM and then I talked to Gina (a sophomore friend) at the front desk of Phelan until her shift was nearly over. I hung out with Makeda for a little while until Cristina called to tell me that they were at Loyola Village and ready to move Michelle in. It was pretty quick and painless. Michelle is crazy about the apartment and she kept flipping out about random things like closets and light switches. Her apt. is pretty nice because it's a one bedroom. Really cool!

I can't remember much of what I did between about 3 and nighttime but eventually I ended up back at Michelle's place after running into a few of my friends. OH! I saw Megan from Oregon which was very cool. She bought me Lundin with her abundant amount of Flexi. And we gossipped for awhile. Then I saw Molly and that was fun! Molly always entertaining. That night she took me to In-N-Out (YUM!) and for some reason she thought it would be a good idea to get food for other people. So we had 3 orders to take care of after we ate and got ice cream at Ghirardelli's! She almost killed us holding drinks in her car (WHERE ARE YOUR CUP HOLDERS!?!) We finally got back to campus around 10. We went over to the Village to see Jack, Katt, Janice, Gina, Michelle, and Laura. IT WAS A PARTY! They're all O-Teamers and were doing their thang thang. It was so surreal to be back and not have anything to do except say bye to people. Laura (the sweetest sweetheart) let me borrow a blanket and pillow to sleep over at Michelle's. Then I went back over to main campus with Molly to grab all my ish out of Makeda's room and grab a public safety escort back to Loyola Village. That was fun! Never been in a Campus Police car before. I talked to Theo that night (insert lovey dovey music here) and his grandparents are doing better. They were sick and he was working and doing classes and just generally stressed and that's why I hadn't been recieving any phone calls. Whatevs! I'm leaving! I don't have time to stress about boys. Right?

I feel like I've been typing forever but the weekend was really eventful. Monday I ran into some more people. Maria, Zack, and Erika from Erasmus. OH and I saw Lucy the day before. I went shopping on Haight. I participated in the Student Panel for Foreword. I love Foreword. It was the best thing that ever happened to me at USF. Another Jennifer and I went to dinner together at Happy Garden Restaurant on Clement. I went back to Molly's room and helped her cut out Palm Tree trunks (you can do it Molly!) Watched a good portion of Mona Lisa Smile and got another PS escort back to Michelle's.

I was expecting to leave the city early in the morning so I woke up really early but apparently Tina wasn't quite ready to go so I sat around waiting for about 4 hours. It sucked. I gues I hate not leaving when I expect to leave. She finally called me at about 1:30 and was like let's go. Anil was there and he handed me his digital so that I could take a picture of the two of them. It made me want to hurl. Then I listened to them make out while tears streamed down my face. I don't ... well I do know why I was crying. Jealousy, Anxiety, Happiness, Nervousness, Exctement all rolled into one big ball of emotion finally caught up with me. I sort of talked to Cristina about it after we took off but for the beginning of the trip I was just silent and wiping tears away. I haven't cried in a long time. It felt good.

FINALLY ... after talking about everything for hours we make it to her dad's place and chill. Now I'm home for only 2 more weeks and I'm more ready now than I've ever been to leave this country! There's a sense of urgency for everything now and I've just got to go.