An excerpt from an email I wrote

Dated: 10/14/04

I had a rough day. Started off good but then I got to Shakespeare class and this one kid was just being an asshole all day long and pushed my last nerve... there's no other word to describe it. He's one of those people who likes to hear himself speak and doesn't respect other people's opinions and he just annoys the mess out of me.

Most of the kids in the program are like that. AH! People are really starting to get ridiculous. I'm not really friends with anybody here and I feel super alone. There's no one I talk to really. It's so frustrating. I was having a really great day. I was nice to Paige this morning because she wasn't feeling well. I think that as soon as classes end and I'm not surrounded by the same people I'll have less of an animosity towards people but right now folks are working my nerves.

It's nice when I can go out dancing like I did this weekend and just release. Had so much fun! There was a live hip hop band when we got there and Justin one of the lead rappers in the band totally made eye contact with me ... I think we'll get married. HAHA! But yeah me and two other girls who I don't dislike and 3 guys who I don't have strong feelings against either just had a blast. We were at the club until 3:30 in the morning ... and we had a day trip yesterday to Cheltenham to the Literary festival that we had to be on the bus for by 9AM. That was festive. I made it entertaining for myself ... well tried to anyway. And this African local and I had a really good conversation about my being African American and his being African. He thought I was beautiful (of course)... that was definitely a highlight of my day. I passed out on the bus being sleep deprived and all but was really pleased with how the weekend turned out.

I'm so disconnected from everything going on here. It's not purposely (is that a word?) I just want someone to talk to who understands. I feel like a lot of it has to do with me being the only Black American in the program. I know there's Esosa but there's a difference between African Americans and black Americans ... you know? I'm struggling mommy. But I have to work through it because it's not too much for me to handle. It's just not what I was expecting so I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me everyday. I'm so surprised by people (in good ways and bad ways) and I don't know how to react or what my next move is going to be. I'm out of control and vulnerable.

It's lost on me

I wish I could describe what just happened over these last three months in words but it's impossible. There were just constant moments that life hands you. Moments you had to be in to experience. So full of emotion and impact. I have now returned to the next phase of my life. I am home. I am 20 pounds lighter and 20 tons wiser. Who knew just a few months a few thousand miles away with a few different people could do this to me? Whatever this is. I feel alone. But the good kind of alone. The alone that makes you want to go out and conquer the world. It's freeing.

Now is that appropriate?

I bet you want the goodies.
Bet you thought about it.
Got you all hot and bothered.
Mayb' cuz I talk about it.
Lookin for the goodies
Keep on lookin' cuz they stay in the jar --Ciara feat. Petey Pablo - My Goodies

This information should really be on a need-to-know basis. I'm gonna need for Ciara to stop making a bad name for females like me who have some class. Why Ciara thinks everybody needs to know what she got and what she's about is beyond me. Bitches today want to talk about all they got and get men all hot and bothered and then they wonder why they ass is getting raped and cheated on. It's not fair. You know fully well that men rarely think with the northernmost head on their body. How are you gonna talk about how sexy you are and all your assets and then proclaim that you're not going to put out? What's the point? You lead a man to water and then tell him he can't drink it? If you're gonna talk about it, be about it. Gentlemen, don't get me twisted. Lauren ain't the one to flaunt. If you want to find out, come correct because I ain't Ciara or any other bitch for that matter. I'm me and that's all you need to know.