An excerpt from an email I wrote

Dated: 10/14/04

I had a rough day. Started off good but then I got to Shakespeare class and this one kid was just being an asshole all day long and pushed my last nerve... there's no other word to describe it. He's one of those people who likes to hear himself speak and doesn't respect other people's opinions and he just annoys the mess out of me.

Most of the kids in the program are like that. AH! People are really starting to get ridiculous. I'm not really friends with anybody here and I feel super alone. There's no one I talk to really. It's so frustrating. I was having a really great day. I was nice to Paige this morning because she wasn't feeling well. I think that as soon as classes end and I'm not surrounded by the same people I'll have less of an animosity towards people but right now folks are working my nerves.

It's nice when I can go out dancing like I did this weekend and just release. Had so much fun! There was a live hip hop band when we got there and Justin one of the lead rappers in the band totally made eye contact with me ... I think we'll get married. HAHA! But yeah me and two other girls who I don't dislike and 3 guys who I don't have strong feelings against either just had a blast. We were at the club until 3:30 in the morning ... and we had a day trip yesterday to Cheltenham to the Literary festival that we had to be on the bus for by 9AM. That was festive. I made it entertaining for myself ... well tried to anyway. And this African local and I had a really good conversation about my being African American and his being African. He thought I was beautiful (of course)... that was definitely a highlight of my day. I passed out on the bus being sleep deprived and all but was really pleased with how the weekend turned out.

I'm so disconnected from everything going on here. It's not purposely (is that a word?) I just want someone to talk to who understands. I feel like a lot of it has to do with me being the only Black American in the program. I know there's Esosa but there's a difference between African Americans and black Americans ... you know? I'm struggling mommy. But I have to work through it because it's not too much for me to handle. It's just not what I was expecting so I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me everyday. I'm so surprised by people (in good ways and bad ways) and I don't know how to react or what my next move is going to be. I'm out of control and vulnerable.