Shock of a freaking lifetime

Last night I saw one of the best films I've seen in ages. Closer with Julia Roberts and Jude Law with Natalie Portman was a tremendous movie. It was breathtaking. And I sat in shock the entire time just loving every moment only snapping out of it between scenes to pick my mouth up off the floor. It was set in London and made me miss it a lot but I came to some interesting points of clarity while I was watching about my own life. I need to be needed. I don't want to be needed. And the fact that this guy I am interested in (and who may or may not be interested in me) wouldn't need me either way is slightly bothering me. He's everything I want. Faithful, funny, adorable, busy with other things besides drinking and women, well dressed. This bugs. I can't have what I want because in some sick twisted way I need the one I want to need me before we can be together. But why oh why do I attract the ones that want me so bad and I can't even stand the thought of making them more than a hook-up? Are relationships built on need? Is being needed good for me? If I'm sick, I don't want to take medicine but I need to take medicine if I want my illness to dissipate. Is that a ridiculous analogy? Why am I even trying to make sense of this? I just want him to like me and show me (subtly) that he likes me. I'm driving myself mad trying to figure this out on my own. This is exactly what I didn't want to do when I got back to the states: obsess over some dude. BUT I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE WHEN I AM BEING A LOSER BY MYSELF HERE IN LA LA LAND! I talked to him. Told him we should hang out. He sounded enthusiastic but who can say for sure? I need to get out of here. Move into my apartment. It's so crucial. I'm going to go stir-crazy. Am I analyzing too much? Don't I always?

I had a thought

Not unusual right? There was a comment made by me in my profile regarding my acting skills at the expense of someone else. So karma comes back and bites me in the ass by offering up a not nice comment made about me in someone else's profile. So what? What goes around comes around? I know ...

... If you don't believe in yourself though, nobody else will. Where lies the integrity in passing judgement on a person who believes in themselves and the actions they make? The facts in your world may not be the facts in mine. And still yet who are we to judge others? Who are we to be so bold as to make opinions about someone else's doings? Well, we're human. But I, as a human, am able to recognize my wrongs, admit when I am incorrect, and be humbled in my faults.

Well there was my thought for the day. There's nothing like a little karma at work in the world to get you thinking ...



Today I took a deep breath and let every emotion I've ever felt overwhelm me. I'm OK. I am alive. I am not dead or lost. I am here. I am.

Another excerpt from another email

Date: 09/29/04

London is incredible. I'll have time to travel soon because classes end in 4 weeks and then we start rehearsals that won't take up as much time. I'm going to Italy for sure and hopefully to Paris for a weekend and almost positively making a trip to Ireland to see some friends.

I'm having no trouble socializing and all I just wish there was somebody here I knew (or who knew me rather.) Most people came with at least one other person from their school. I'm doing my best to adjust and it's getting better as time goes on. My flatmates are ... OK. I live with this chick Erin and she's hooking up with this guy I was interested in from the get. His name is John. He's gorgeous and into acting (of course) and catholic :-O. Anyway it's just super weird because he's over and sleeping in her bed almost every night. That's gross to me. There are like 8 people hooking up and I'm like GROSS!!! You don't know these people!!! We've been here all of 3 weeks!!! HELLO!!! I guess part of me is just mad that I don't have somebody all up on my jock ... Whatever! That's not what I'm here for right? Right ... Then Erin's friend from her school Paige is this 18 y/o female who thinks she knows every goddamn thing. I can tell she doesn't have a lot of experience with people of color. Paige's roommate Erin (another Erin) is cool but hella dirty in the kitchen and never washes her dishes. Neither Erin washes their dishes. That's annoying as hell. Then there's the other black girl in the program Esosa. I didn't like her from jump street. She's mean. She's thinks she's right about everything and mad judgmental. The only other flatmate Emily I have no reason to dislike because she's hardly ever there. HAHA! Getting her groove on with her British boyfriend and friends.

Classes are hard work and I'm wiped everyday after classes end. My group always gets crazy schedules because our teachers are working actors and have to rearrange shit all the time so they can go on shoots and to rehearsal and stuff. It's cool but it's insane. Like yesterday we were out at 11:30 and started at 9:30 but to make up for the 3 hours of class that we missed we'll have those hours tacked on to another day. Probably a Friday ... (grrr)

I went shopping for the first time since I've been here yesterday. I successfully turned all my white underwear pink ... like I've never washed clothes before (what is my issue). Living in the flats is basically like living in the dorms. I "make my rounds" every night and see what's going on with other people. Since I'm not involved in the drama I know everythingabout everybody's business :-) As it should be right?It's hard dealing with drama people (including myself) everyday because it's never less than tense in every situation. I love it in the program but will be glad when I come home to SF and can have my sane friends back :-)

I was super sad today because I'm having a lot of trouble grasping theater history and being intelligent in Dramatic Criticism class. It's just me being stupid and self-conscious but I really do feel dumb and inadequate when everybody else can express their thoughts on a particular subject so concisely and I'm all ..."Ummm I liked the show ... I thought it was good." I'm worried when this class comes around. I'm trying not to let it discourage me but dude it fucking sucks to feel like you can't really contribute anything to a conversation about something you should be well versed in. Regardless I am learning much and the program is teaching me lessons of patience andhumility etc. It's really intense.

I've lost weight. I'm back down to a size 12 from my top size 14 since sophomore year started. AND I STILL HAVE 2 MONTHS LEFT!!! If I keep this up ... by the time I see you I'll be a size 6 and ready to wear my first bikini in about 8 years. It sucks though because none of my pants fit and I can stick both arms down the legs of my AE jeans. I figure I need to get money from dad to either buy more clothes or more food ... but anyway enough of my ranting.