Fogged judgment

For some reason I always figure out too late that I'd do a whole lot better if I wasn't alone. If I just had someone to call or to hang with. I'm probably one of millions of only children who wishes sometimes that they weren't the only one. When I was going through things from age 11-14 I realize that all I really needed was someone to talk to and to be with and listen to. I am my happiest when I'm surrounded by other people. A sister would've been cool to have. Not that I'm not grateful for the ones I have but 17 years old is a little late for my dad to get the message and start popping them out. On the 17th "the middle child" Natalia will be turning 3. 3 years ago I was going into my senior of high school. The day my dad told me about Natalia she was 1 month away from being born. It's so crazy how time flies... and how slow it goes to the point where you feel like you aren't truly living. I'll have those moments, especially these days, where I just lift my soul out of myself and watch what I do and wonder how I came to be and what the days were like that I can't remember and travel back to the days I chose to forget. I was on the phone with my best friend yesterday and we were talking about freshmen year and how it seems like we've been friends forever. We talked about this one guy I used to "be with" and his memory still weighs heavily on my mind (even though I hate him for doing me shady.) Wonder what he's doing now? Summer dreams ripped at the seams ... But oh those summer nights! HAHA!!! I'm all over the place tonight. I'm going in so many different directions I'm starting to make myself dizzy. I'm feeling a lot more cautious and a lot less spontaneous and that's why things didn't turn out the way I thought they would when I got to SF last weekend. Taking risks and running with my gut instinct got me in some pretty big messups this past year so I think I'm learning to take it slow and return to my over-analytical self who always ends up making the right choice in the end even when it doesn't seem like the best choice. From my trip to India, one thing I learned is that in order to see things clearly and be at your most alert you must act rationally with patience and faith. How else can I be content with traveling 400 miles to just hold hands. I have faith that I have made the best and most rational decision in my pursuit of something. I believe that if something is meant to be then it will happen for you in it's own due time. Not when you want it to happen but when the time is right. Ah clarity ... Only in the summer time when the clouds part and you can see the things that were once a million miles away in the perfect light.