Not so good things I forgot to mention ... be prepared to laugh

Well really just one big mishap on my way to SF last saturday. I would like to begin by saying United Airlines has become, at a rapid fire pace, the bane of my existence. All thanks to one incident on July 3rd 2004. I can't even convey to u the amount of drama they took me through on saturday morning. I get to the airport at 830. My flight is at 1045. I was so early they couldn't even issue me a seat yet. So i chilled and read at the gate for an hour and a half. As it turns out their printer is broken so they have to get my and everyone else's boarding pass from another gate. I just kick it because i'm a confirmed passenger and i'm second to last to get my boarding pass. I figure why wait in line when u can just chill and still be guaranteed a seat? I get in line and i'm headed to the back of the plane. Boarding WOOHOO! 31E is my seat so i count the rows ... 28 full ... 29 full ... 30 full ... 31 full .... ER? Ok so i'm thinking this guy just wants to sit with his wife. So i figure i'll just take his seat once he tells me where it is. I show him my ticket. He shows me his ticket. It says 31 E. ER?! So the flight attendant takes me to the front of the plane. Mind u the plane has already pulled away from the jetway! And I don't have a seat! How they double booked one seat (MY SEAT!) i have no clue! (If you're not in hysterics by now ... wait until u read the rest). So the plane has to move back toward the gate and attach itself to the jetway again so that I can get off and grab another flight. Surely everyone on the plane is staring upon me with utter contempt because the plane is already late! So I walk down the jetway amongst the dialogues of "How did this happen?" "There must be a glitch in the system." "Can you take a later flight?" OF COURSE I CAN TAKE A LATER FLIGHT! What else am I supposed to do?! Ask somebody else to give up their seat? Are you kidding? At the desk they inform me that my flight leaves at 1115. It is currently 1105. The flight's at Gate 71. I'm at Gate 66. Sounds close right? WRONG!!! I have to run clear across the terminal, at LEAST 3 quarters of a mile! Here is where the track skills come in because I made it 2 minutes before the plane was pulling away from the jetway. My new seat is 19D. Out of breath ... I board the 1115. I count again 15 ... 16 ... 17 ... 18 ... 19 full?! Noooooo!! Not twice ... you're joking right? WHy is somebody playing tricks on me? I tap the lady and I say "19D?" and she says "Oh I must be 18D!" and promptly moves. Relieved I proceed to sit down ....... NEXT TO AN INCREDIBLY OBESE MAN WHOSE ELBOW IS THE SIZE OF MY FACE AND IS SITUATED IN ORDER TO MAIM MY RIGHT EYE! ... Two empty seats next to me beg for me to occupy them but I've already settled in and how politically incorrect would it be to move ... It would be saying "Hi, you're FAT and I'm not going to sit next to you because your elbow is the size of my face." So I sucked it up and prayed for a quick flight. It was so ridiculous. You just don't understand ... In conclusion, NEVER FLY UNITED!