On Death and Dying

I'm really glad that my great grandmother is going to be closer to the family. She just turned 95 a few days ago and has been in Oxnard living on C Street for as long as I can remember. I rarely visited but now I can see her much more often. Her daughter: my great aunt Trudi is currently in a convalescent home and the family is going to move my great grandmother there with her. We went to go see Trudi and she played this tape that she came across when she was moving. It was a telephone conversation with my grandfather (her brother) and grandmother. I don't remember my grandmother but people say I look and act like her. I wish I could remember what she looked like. She died when I was three. The recording was right after she had a mild stroke. It was weird. It was like talking to somebody from beyond the grave, you know? She was really positive and just laughed through the stroke like it was nothing. Sometimes I wish I could talk to my loved ones who have passed on. I have one grandparent still living and that's going to be really hard when she passes on. I loooovee my grandma. She's my absolute favorite relative and she's so cool. She started going back to school when I started college. Isn't that awesome? I think about death a lot and how it affects me and doesn't affect me. My grandfather on my mother's side died when I was about 9. I met him once but I cried and cried when he died. My grandfather on my dad's side died when I was 17 and I knew he was really sick and I didn't cry at all. This girl Rolanda that I used to go to school with had cancer and she was a make-a-wish kid and all she wanted to do was go to high school. She passed away 2 months after senior year started. I went to her funeral and cried for her. She wasn't my best friend or anything just a girl I knew and liked as a person; but I guess there are different things that move me to tears for different people who have passed on. I wonder sometimes how it's gonna be when I die and who will be there to celebrate my life. Is that weird? I guess it's kind of morbid but I'm sort of numb to the feelings these days with all the violence and death that I see on TV everyday. I don't even want to watch the news anymore. That shit makes people afraid to go outside and stay inside. It eats away at your spirit, drive, and soul. And if we decide to do either ... what happens to humanity? What really will be the death of me? Fear or a gun? What will die first? My spirit or my body?