Shock of a freaking lifetime

Last night I saw one of the best films I've seen in ages. Closer with Julia Roberts and Jude Law with Natalie Portman was a tremendous movie. It was breathtaking. And I sat in shock the entire time just loving every moment only snapping out of it between scenes to pick my mouth up off the floor. It was set in London and made me miss it a lot but I came to some interesting points of clarity while I was watching about my own life. I need to be needed. I don't want to be needed. And the fact that this guy I am interested in (and who may or may not be interested in me) wouldn't need me either way is slightly bothering me. He's everything I want. Faithful, funny, adorable, busy with other things besides drinking and women, well dressed. This bugs. I can't have what I want because in some sick twisted way I need the one I want to need me before we can be together. But why oh why do I attract the ones that want me so bad and I can't even stand the thought of making them more than a hook-up? Are relationships built on need? Is being needed good for me? If I'm sick, I don't want to take medicine but I need to take medicine if I want my illness to dissipate. Is that a ridiculous analogy? Why am I even trying to make sense of this? I just want him to like me and show me (subtly) that he likes me. I'm driving myself mad trying to figure this out on my own. This is exactly what I didn't want to do when I got back to the states: obsess over some dude. BUT I CAN'T DO ANYTHING ELSE WHEN I AM BEING A LOSER BY MYSELF HERE IN LA LA LAND! I talked to him. Told him we should hang out. He sounded enthusiastic but who can say for sure? I need to get out of here. Move into my apartment. It's so crucial. I'm going to go stir-crazy. Am I analyzing too much? Don't I always?

I had a thought

Not unusual right? There was a comment made by me in my profile regarding my acting skills at the expense of someone else. So karma comes back and bites me in the ass by offering up a not nice comment made about me in someone else's profile. So what? What goes around comes around? I know ...

... If you don't believe in yourself though, nobody else will. Where lies the integrity in passing judgement on a person who believes in themselves and the actions they make? The facts in your world may not be the facts in mine. And still yet who are we to judge others? Who are we to be so bold as to make opinions about someone else's doings? Well, we're human. But I, as a human, am able to recognize my wrongs, admit when I am incorrect, and be humbled in my faults.

Well there was my thought for the day. There's nothing like a little karma at work in the world to get you thinking ...



Today I took a deep breath and let every emotion I've ever felt overwhelm me. I'm OK. I am alive. I am not dead or lost. I am here. I am.

Another excerpt from another email

Date: 09/29/04

London is incredible. I'll have time to travel soon because classes end in 4 weeks and then we start rehearsals that won't take up as much time. I'm going to Italy for sure and hopefully to Paris for a weekend and almost positively making a trip to Ireland to see some friends.

I'm having no trouble socializing and all I just wish there was somebody here I knew (or who knew me rather.) Most people came with at least one other person from their school. I'm doing my best to adjust and it's getting better as time goes on. My flatmates are ... OK. I live with this chick Erin and she's hooking up with this guy I was interested in from the get. His name is John. He's gorgeous and into acting (of course) and catholic :-O. Anyway it's just super weird because he's over and sleeping in her bed almost every night. That's gross to me. There are like 8 people hooking up and I'm like GROSS!!! You don't know these people!!! We've been here all of 3 weeks!!! HELLO!!! I guess part of me is just mad that I don't have somebody all up on my jock ... Whatever! That's not what I'm here for right? Right ... Then Erin's friend from her school Paige is this 18 y/o female who thinks she knows every goddamn thing. I can tell she doesn't have a lot of experience with people of color. Paige's roommate Erin (another Erin) is cool but hella dirty in the kitchen and never washes her dishes. Neither Erin washes their dishes. That's annoying as hell. Then there's the other black girl in the program Esosa. I didn't like her from jump street. She's mean. She's thinks she's right about everything and mad judgmental. The only other flatmate Emily I have no reason to dislike because she's hardly ever there. HAHA! Getting her groove on with her British boyfriend and friends.

Classes are hard work and I'm wiped everyday after classes end. My group always gets crazy schedules because our teachers are working actors and have to rearrange shit all the time so they can go on shoots and to rehearsal and stuff. It's cool but it's insane. Like yesterday we were out at 11:30 and started at 9:30 but to make up for the 3 hours of class that we missed we'll have those hours tacked on to another day. Probably a Friday ... (grrr)

I went shopping for the first time since I've been here yesterday. I successfully turned all my white underwear pink ... like I've never washed clothes before (what is my issue). Living in the flats is basically like living in the dorms. I "make my rounds" every night and see what's going on with other people. Since I'm not involved in the drama I know everythingabout everybody's business :-) As it should be right?It's hard dealing with drama people (including myself) everyday because it's never less than tense in every situation. I love it in the program but will be glad when I come home to SF and can have my sane friends back :-)

I was super sad today because I'm having a lot of trouble grasping theater history and being intelligent in Dramatic Criticism class. It's just me being stupid and self-conscious but I really do feel dumb and inadequate when everybody else can express their thoughts on a particular subject so concisely and I'm all ..."Ummm I liked the show ... I thought it was good." I'm worried when this class comes around. I'm trying not to let it discourage me but dude it fucking sucks to feel like you can't really contribute anything to a conversation about something you should be well versed in. Regardless I am learning much and the program is teaching me lessons of patience andhumility etc. It's really intense.

I've lost weight. I'm back down to a size 12 from my top size 14 since sophomore year started. AND I STILL HAVE 2 MONTHS LEFT!!! If I keep this up ... by the time I see you I'll be a size 6 and ready to wear my first bikini in about 8 years. It sucks though because none of my pants fit and I can stick both arms down the legs of my AE jeans. I figure I need to get money from dad to either buy more clothes or more food ... but anyway enough of my ranting.

An excerpt from an email I wrote

Dated: 10/14/04

I had a rough day. Started off good but then I got to Shakespeare class and this one kid was just being an asshole all day long and pushed my last nerve... there's no other word to describe it. He's one of those people who likes to hear himself speak and doesn't respect other people's opinions and he just annoys the mess out of me.

Most of the kids in the program are like that. AH! People are really starting to get ridiculous. I'm not really friends with anybody here and I feel super alone. There's no one I talk to really. It's so frustrating. I was having a really great day. I was nice to Paige this morning because she wasn't feeling well. I think that as soon as classes end and I'm not surrounded by the same people I'll have less of an animosity towards people but right now folks are working my nerves.

It's nice when I can go out dancing like I did this weekend and just release. Had so much fun! There was a live hip hop band when we got there and Justin one of the lead rappers in the band totally made eye contact with me ... I think we'll get married. HAHA! But yeah me and two other girls who I don't dislike and 3 guys who I don't have strong feelings against either just had a blast. We were at the club until 3:30 in the morning ... and we had a day trip yesterday to Cheltenham to the Literary festival that we had to be on the bus for by 9AM. That was festive. I made it entertaining for myself ... well tried to anyway. And this African local and I had a really good conversation about my being African American and his being African. He thought I was beautiful (of course)... that was definitely a highlight of my day. I passed out on the bus being sleep deprived and all but was really pleased with how the weekend turned out.

I'm so disconnected from everything going on here. It's not purposely (is that a word?) I just want someone to talk to who understands. I feel like a lot of it has to do with me being the only Black American in the program. I know there's Esosa but there's a difference between African Americans and black Americans ... you know? I'm struggling mommy. But I have to work through it because it's not too much for me to handle. It's just not what I was expecting so I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me everyday. I'm so surprised by people (in good ways and bad ways) and I don't know how to react or what my next move is going to be. I'm out of control and vulnerable.

It's lost on me

I wish I could describe what just happened over these last three months in words but it's impossible. There were just constant moments that life hands you. Moments you had to be in to experience. So full of emotion and impact. I have now returned to the next phase of my life. I am home. I am 20 pounds lighter and 20 tons wiser. Who knew just a few months a few thousand miles away with a few different people could do this to me? Whatever this is. I feel alone. But the good kind of alone. The alone that makes you want to go out and conquer the world. It's freeing.

Now is that appropriate?

I bet you want the goodies.
Bet you thought about it.
Got you all hot and bothered.
Mayb' cuz I talk about it.
Lookin for the goodies
Keep on lookin' cuz they stay in the jar --Ciara feat. Petey Pablo - My Goodies

This information should really be on a need-to-know basis. I'm gonna need for Ciara to stop making a bad name for females like me who have some class. Why Ciara thinks everybody needs to know what she got and what she's about is beyond me. Bitches today want to talk about all they got and get men all hot and bothered and then they wonder why they ass is getting raped and cheated on. It's not fair. You know fully well that men rarely think with the northernmost head on their body. How are you gonna talk about how sexy you are and all your assets and then proclaim that you're not going to put out? What's the point? You lead a man to water and then tell him he can't drink it? If you're gonna talk about it, be about it. Gentlemen, don't get me twisted. Lauren ain't the one to flaunt. If you want to find out, come correct because I ain't Ciara or any other bitch for that matter. I'm me and that's all you need to know.

Just when you think it's all said and done

Your best friend goes and reminds you why you were best friends in the first place.

I wasn't really looking forward to going to Denise's house. I don't know why ... I just wasn't excited but then we got to chilling and talking and all I forgot how she knows me better than I know my own damn self and I know her the same way. We connect on that level where we finish each other's sentences and know what to buy for each other at the mall. It's crazy. She's like my soulmate. And sure she gets on my nerves sometimes but that shit happens with everybody.

I love that girl ... It's gonna suck not hearing her voice for awhile.

5 days to go man! WOOOO!

...Back to staring at my packed luggage

Eventful events of the past 48 hours

On Tuesday I had a doctor's appointment so this lady could sign my friggin' forms so I could legitimately leave the friggin' country. I like the doctor because it's never as uncomfortable as a typical girl's physical (because I'm the president of the best club in the world for naive 20 year old girls) would be and this doctor who I've seen once before is really nice. She just talks to you real casual. I liked her!After that I went to go see my uncle Mike and auntie Pat at Choice Cuts (their meat store ... Mike's a butcher). Uncle Mike was sad because I was leaving ... He's so silly. He said I better hurry up and get out of here before he starts to cry.

Then we went to this new restaurant Tony P's! I love it! But they sat a party of 25 (kids and all) right behind us so it wasn't as pleasant as I would've liked but still an early seaside dinner is great.

We made a stop at Best Buy and I was about to buy a digital camera (EEK!) but then I changed my mind. It sounded like too much of a hassle when the store manager was describing it to me.

When I got home Tuesday nite I talked to Michelle on AIM and she was packing for Austria ... to leave the next morning! I was excited for her though. Just really juiced in general because we're coming down to the wire as far as leaving goes. Then Chris and I talked for a bit on the phone and on AIM. He's adjusting to life in Phelan by himself once again.

I had decided that I was going to go to the movies on Wednesday and before I went I stopped at the bookstore and searched for a book on knitting. It was fruitless. But I did leave with 5 lovely parting gifts (The Devil Wears Prada, a Vegetarian cookbook, a yoga book, The Lovely Bones, and a lovely blue tote to carry my goodies in) I LOVE THE BOOKSTORE! It's an addiction I swear.

Then I stopped in The Gap and bought a new pair of pants thanks to this lovely assistant Jean Marie. She was so cheery and put a bright spot in my day. Only somebody that cheery can tolerate shoppers like me who get ready to leave the store twice before finding something else they might like to try on. Oh well you know what they say ... Third time's a charm ... I love my new pants!

I saw Garden State that day and was glad I was alone. I didn't cry it's just one of those things that I needed to experience on an individual basis because the movie was incredible. The camera angles were fabulous and the cinematography just blew me away. I was right there with each character and I've always loved Natalie Portman who should totally be up for an Oscar this year. She was absolutely fabulous. A good movie to end my summer on ... just glad it wasn't Napoleon Dynamite. I didn't like that movie at all. It was not my kind of humor I guess ... I laughed .... It just didn't really do it for me.

anyway ...

I returned home with about 2 hours to get ready for the Angels game. My mom got free tickets from her job but was running late and had no idea how to get there but we made it by the bottom of the third. I'm glad we weren't there earlier. it was possibly the longest 9 inning game I'd ever seen in my life. The KC Royals were really terrible. The Angels had 22 hits in the game and of those 22 hits 21 runs were made. It made no damn sense. 21 - 6 Angels was the final score. It was fun for about 2 innings until you knew there was no way the Royals were going to pull themselves out of such a mess. But either way baseball always puts me in a good mood. I get into a game and I'm real chill and by the time the game's over I'm all pumped! So I had a lot of energy when I got home.

I called Meghan and Molly and talked to Katt and Jack too. It was fun talking to the girls. They all had classes today and I wished I had classes to go to but a whole week and very little packing to do is keeping me in Hawthorne cooling my heels. OK so London is better than USF any day of the week but JESUS can it get here already?

Cristina left today and I talked to her before she got on her plane in Cleveland. I'm a little sad ... I'm not gonna lie. I love her and it will be a rough 7 weeks without her. But that Maroon 5 concert is going to be HOT with my girls! I can't wait.

Aight that's the general update. Back to staring at my packed luggage.

Being part of the MySpace group Black/Ebony Folks does NOT make me a racist

Please get on the real tip young people. I know we're all trying to be politically correct and inclusive of all races but let me break it down for my own damn sanity why I like, love, and need BSU at USF and Black/Ebony folks on MySpace.

I am a black woman. I assume my ancestors came from Africa. I assume they were lured onto a ship and brought across the Atlantic Ocean to slave away in the new world and abandon their royal status in their homeland. I assume that the people that owned my ancestors were named Smith and Clagon and Jones and Shipe. Why do I assume? Because my family history is not written down. I can trace my lineage back to when my great grandmother on my mother's side was born 105 years ago. That's not a lot. 4 generations, compared to the 12-13 I hear some people discuss at great length, sucks actually. Nobody wrote anything about my family because I assume we didn't speak or write in English. I know this story is not unique to black people in America. But I feel a deep sadness when I don't have another country to go home to or to call home anyway. I want to explain it to myself but the words aren't really coming together. I can't say that I'm Egyptian American or Algerian American. Why do I only have to attach an entire continent to my American status because nobody's really sure? But that's fine. I can't change slavery or go back in time 400 years to figure it out.

So ... I connect to some people who happen to be my same color and have this same crisis. We talk, we laugh, we fight. We know what the other is feeling and having that security is what is needed for our survival. I'm searching for an identity that I will never find and in that search I am creating an identity with these people who are doing the same thing. It's like baking something from scratch with no recipe. If you don't have the right ingredients you're going to fuck up a few times. Sometimes you'll just want to give up because it's not turning out just the way you want it. But I for one am continuing to try and bring together this community of people: to establish our culture. I know some people want to try to understand: turn my culture into a trend by saying nigga and think that it's all good because they're my friend. But nothing's going to change if you're not willing to put in the educational prowess this struggle deserves. So, cool, come to my BSU meetings. Join Black/Ebony Folks ... I could give a damn. Just know that you aren't going to connect to me the same way if you aren't coming from this struggle. The struggle didn't end with the Emancipation Proclamation or Jim Crow Laws being abandoned. It's been going on. It's still going on. It's going to keep going on. Don't try to say "Oh yeah, I don't know my family history either." This shit runs so deep you can't even begin to fathom what the world is through my eyes.

Just had to get that off my chest. People make me go off sometimes.

Damn Boyz II Men wasn't lyin'

I just said bye to two of my closest friends today. It's happening in sequential order from last to first friend. I said bye to Lauren first in May, then Cristina and I had our last shopping trip in So. Cal today before she takes off to Rome. Then Donisha and I hit up The Grove and Coldstone's (YUM!) before she leaves tomorrow morning for The Bend. Denise is supposed to come around sometime this week and then when she comes to my house we'll go see Judy.

I love my friends. They all are so special to me in such different ways. I know I'm going to do big thangs this semester it's just the feel of this year. we're halfway there. We're half full on the college education tip. This is the tipping point. I don't even know how things are gonna be when I get back. I'm not afraid though. Just not ready for the changes. You better believe I'm ready to leave though! I would get on that plane today if I could. AND I just figured out that I have a mid-semester break during which I will be exiting the old country to go ... somewhere ... shit everywhere I can!

I was talking to Cristina earlier about just not giving a fuck when I leave. Which in all honesty will more than likely be the case. I'm not a sap (anymore). Shit that used to make me emotional simply does not move me anymore. Does that mean I'm unfeeling, cold, and heartless? NO! I just have a better outlook on things. I don't look at the present and say "Oh this sucks" I look at the present and say "Look what I'm going to have to look forward to in the future." My friends keep me going. They give me hope for that next phase in my life. I'd be really depressed if I dwelled in the present all the time. Everything's going to change when I get back. That's the point! This is life-changing! Do not weep or sulk for what you leave behind. Rejoice for what awaits when you return.

Still ... It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday (but I'll suck it up for a trip to Europe anyday of the week)

Ultimate Crazed Birthday Weekend!

OK so on Thursday night my mom dropped me off in Northridge to Cristina and her mom's place. It was great because Cristina's mommy's birthday is the same day as mine so we kinda celebrated together. It was cute! I love Tina's mom! She rox!

Then on Friday morning I got up at like 6:45AM. I drank a cup of coffee and watched Tina's mom get ready for work. Tina woke up and we were off on the road to pick up Michelle at around 9:00AM. It was great that we were early because we had to pack the truck with all of Michelle's shit!

When we get to Rialto I call Michelle about a million times and she doesn't answer. We have no clue why because she said that she would be awake and she wasn't of course. She was up all night packing and unpacking and repacking and once we finally got in touch with her we had been in Rialto for about an hour. Now we're no longer early but right on schedule, which I hate but ... whatever! We get to the house and I can tell she's been crying but I don't say anything because we've got to get cracking on packing the truck. We get everything all squared away and Michelle needs to make a couple stops. We see her grandparents and cousins and then we stop to get her perscription then finally we're on our way! We take the route Michelle's mom has mapped out for us and it's crazy changing highways but by evening we make it to the city! I'm so excited I can hardly contain myself but I'm also really tired.

We went to Jenn's place to park the car and Michelle and I crashed there for the night. Anil was there to steal Cristina away for the weekend. We went to this restaurant Q for my birthday which was great except for the fact that the food didn't agree too well with me. How awesome was it to sit at a table with a tree growing out of the middle?! HAHA! I read about it on Citysearch and was so excited when they sat us there. Once we got back we all watched the Opening Ceremonies for the Olympics and that was fun to see all the HOT Greek boys. Tina and Anil left and I crashed!

The next morning Chad (love Chad) came over and Michelle Jenn he and I went to lunch at Squat and Gobble on Haight. I bought the new Slum Village album at Amoeba and then Saturday afternoon went to Macy's with Reve and did a little shopping until I got ahold of Makeda that night and stayed in the dorms. That was cool. Every night just got better and better as far as sleeping arrangements went. That night, Tekk and us went over to see their Loyola apartments. Makeda's living with 5 other girls! I told her she could come visit me if she ewants to get away from the drama for awhile.

Sunday I went to mass at 9:30 AM and then I talked to Gina (a sophomore friend) at the front desk of Phelan until her shift was nearly over. I hung out with Makeda for a little while until Cristina called to tell me that they were at Loyola Village and ready to move Michelle in. It was pretty quick and painless. Michelle is crazy about the apartment and she kept flipping out about random things like closets and light switches. Her apt. is pretty nice because it's a one bedroom. Really cool!

I can't remember much of what I did between about 3 and nighttime but eventually I ended up back at Michelle's place after running into a few of my friends. OH! I saw Megan from Oregon which was very cool. She bought me Lundin with her abundant amount of Flexi. And we gossipped for awhile. Then I saw Molly and that was fun! Molly always entertaining. That night she took me to In-N-Out (YUM!) and for some reason she thought it would be a good idea to get food for other people. So we had 3 orders to take care of after we ate and got ice cream at Ghirardelli's! She almost killed us holding drinks in her car (WHERE ARE YOUR CUP HOLDERS!?!) We finally got back to campus around 10. We went over to the Village to see Jack, Katt, Janice, Gina, Michelle, and Laura. IT WAS A PARTY! They're all O-Teamers and were doing their thang thang. It was so surreal to be back and not have anything to do except say bye to people. Laura (the sweetest sweetheart) let me borrow a blanket and pillow to sleep over at Michelle's. Then I went back over to main campus with Molly to grab all my ish out of Makeda's room and grab a public safety escort back to Loyola Village. That was fun! Never been in a Campus Police car before. I talked to Theo that night (insert lovey dovey music here) and his grandparents are doing better. They were sick and he was working and doing classes and just generally stressed and that's why I hadn't been recieving any phone calls. Whatevs! I'm leaving! I don't have time to stress about boys. Right?

I feel like I've been typing forever but the weekend was really eventful. Monday I ran into some more people. Maria, Zack, and Erika from Erasmus. OH and I saw Lucy the day before. I went shopping on Haight. I participated in the Student Panel for Foreword. I love Foreword. It was the best thing that ever happened to me at USF. Another Jennifer and I went to dinner together at Happy Garden Restaurant on Clement. I went back to Molly's room and helped her cut out Palm Tree trunks (you can do it Molly!) Watched a good portion of Mona Lisa Smile and got another PS escort back to Michelle's.

I was expecting to leave the city early in the morning so I woke up really early but apparently Tina wasn't quite ready to go so I sat around waiting for about 4 hours. It sucked. I gues I hate not leaving when I expect to leave. She finally called me at about 1:30 and was like let's go. Anil was there and he handed me his digital so that I could take a picture of the two of them. It made me want to hurl. Then I listened to them make out while tears streamed down my face. I don't ... well I do know why I was crying. Jealousy, Anxiety, Happiness, Nervousness, Exctement all rolled into one big ball of emotion finally caught up with me. I sort of talked to Cristina about it after we took off but for the beginning of the trip I was just silent and wiping tears away. I haven't cried in a long time. It felt good.

FINALLY ... after talking about everything for hours we make it to her dad's place and chill. Now I'm home for only 2 more weeks and I'm more ready now than I've ever been to leave this country! There's a sense of urgency for everything now and I've just got to go.

The dentist puts me in a crappy mood

I hate the dentist but when they fuck up you have to go. I recently went for a cleaning and the girl hit a sensitive spot and looked at it and my last filling had somehow gotten loose and had to be redone. Today was that appointment ... YEA! The AC had broken and it was scorchign inside and out when I arrived at 3pm. Luckily new coolers had been purchased at home depot so it wasn't too bad but damn i was hot! I was in and out pretty quick and the numbing feeling lasted until I got back home a couple hours later. Then the pain set in. Stupid me forgot to take pain relievers before the novacaine went away but yeah whatever. I still hate the dentist. The worst of my birthday week is over. NOW ON WITH THE CELEBRATING!

I never have company!

But on Sunday night my buds Clare and Cristina came over to eat cake listen to music and spend the night! It was way fun. The next morning we woke up at 7 o'clock to go to the happiest place on Earth (how anybody can dislike the happiest place on Earth is beyond me but I won't name any names ... well maybe just one ... JASON!) We had a great time. Our pictures on splash mountain were absolutely hilarious. The first one brought me to tears. We rode Pirates twice. The rockets at tomorrowland is my new favorite ride. We saw the new musical of Snow White. Rode all the rides in Fantasyland. Come to think of it we might've rode all the rides. It was crazy. 15 hours in that place! We were all so tired afterwards but we had a really good time. Going to Disneyland makes me feel all warm and gushy inside. Similar to my backpack when the sunscreen busted in the bottom and nearly ruined Cristina's camera WHOOPS! I want to be a Disney princess and plan on sending a letter to the bigwigs to let them know that Aida needs to become animated soon so that little black girls can have something to relate to (THEN I CAN BE A DISNEY PRINCESS TOO!) It's interesting how Disney has never had a black or latina leading lady. It's hard to do that stuff because you don't want to offend people but it should be a priority to have young girls of color as a target audience for your films and merchandise. Shouldn't it? Mulan and Pocohantas didn't do too bad. But if you're scared that's why you have focus groups for parents and kids so that you can see what needs to be done in order to make films and merchandise suitable and not the jumping off point for anger but discussion. For now I'm busy perfecting my princess wave for the day that I am able to audition for the role of the first black Disney princess. As Aurora would say "Princess Fingers!"

A lesson before turning 20

So while walking a dear family friend and her grandbaby to their car outside of my complex on Sunday, I was bombarded by a young man's voice shouting "Hey! hey! hey! My homeboy wanna holla at you!" while I was proceeding back into my gated community. I said "You're too young for me baby." And kept walking. I got back inside the gate and had to walk past where the young men were playing basketball to get to my house so I said to myself Self, if these young men try to talk to you again, you should let them know that their manner of approaching you is not appropriate Sure enough ... "Hey! Hey! HEY! He wanna holla at you!" So I stopped and pulled the young man over and asked him to have a word with me. I said "How old are you?" He replied, "13." I said, "OK, I'm going to teach you a life lesson. The next time you want to talk to a girl or young lady or what have you, do not yell, 'Hey! Hey!' It's rude. She has a name and I can almost guarantee that it's not 'Hey!' Instead, with those strong lungs of yours, say 'Excuse miss or young lady may I speak with you for a moment or what is your name?'" He says to me "OK." In conclusion of this lesson I said, "Now, I'm 20 years old." (I know I'm not yet but it was the principle of the story that I was trying to get across) And he becomes very apologetic. "It's OK ... just remember what I told you."

Now all you young men take that to heart and heed my words. A little politeness in your tone will get you far in life.

If you missed my party

-Ya missed my crazy ass family drinking wine and eating food and talking all kinds of loud.
-My critically acclaimed Macaroni and Cheese
-The bomb birthday cake from the one and only Costco.
-A political debate before we sang "Happy Birthday"
-Singing "Happy Birthday"
-My cute new white skirt that I bought for 10 bucks.
-Seeing me open 300 bucks worth of gifts.
-A slumber party with three very cool ladies.
- ... and most importantly ... ME!

Now ... you'll be sure to celebrate with me next year won't you? :-) Don't feel bad. I'm kind of glad only one of my friends showed up to the actual party (Clare and Cristina came later that night) because I didn't get to spend much time with anybody because I was playing hostess and talking about my upcoming trip abroad with people. You probably would have felt ignored and a little overwhelmed because my family often has that effect on people. Oh well ... I'll be 20 in two days and a phone call or nice note will more than make up for any guilty feelings you may have :-)

I forgot that I remembered to forget you

So this guy that I had a crush on for a really long time IMed me out of the blue the other day. The box from AIM popped up that's like "so and so has sent you an instant message 'Accept' or 'Reject'" I thought to myself ... no wonder I haven't seen him online. He's usually on and idle with an away message. OMG! I totally took you off my buddy list and completely forgot that I remembered to forget you! ... I'm so proud of myself. Then he asks me this question. I said to my computer screen "If you talked to me, you would know this shit!" It was a short conversation. He had to go. WHATEVER! Why did he make me think of him? Now he's on my buddy list again until I get up the courage to remember to forget again. DAMN! I hope he doesn't read this. He's not as dumb as most boys I know. He knows how to put two and two together. Well even if he does I don't give a damn! That's how I feel. If I don't talk to you and you never initiate a conversation with me and I'm always the one initiating conversations then one day I'm gonna see the light and not waste my time anymore. It's a waste of oxygen to call someone a friend or "buddy" when you're the one giving giving giving and they're the one taking taking taking. I'm a generous person but I'm not an idiot and I know how to take a hint. Is taking someone off my buddy list cold? I don't think so. If you only use the shit to promote yourself and let people know that you are distant and unavailable why take up my precious buddy space with your screenname? How 'bout dem apples!

I wish, I wish, I wish

Remember that R. Kelly song? Dang I stay reminiscing on my blog! HAHA!

I wish life was like my blog and I could delete the things that happen when I want to forget about them. Wouldn't that be cool? Anyway ... just a random thought. I'm feeling a little restless today (even though I took a 2-hour nap.) My mind is racing and I don't have any desire to stare at the idiot box all day ... It's really sad I kept flipping to the same channels hoping that something would be on 2 seconds after I just looked at that channel. The general anxiety is getting to me and causing me to wake up really early in the morning (like before sunrise) and turn off the TV so that my mind can wander and ponder life. I hope there are no TVs in my apartment in London. I hate the idiot box because I just can't stand the mind-numbing feeling like I should be doing something but I ... can't ... move ... my finger ... from ... the ... remote.

Yesterday I went to Irvine with Tawny. She had to take care of some business at UCI. Then we stopped at Westminster Mall and I kind of got us lost but we made it. OOPS! I bought some jeans at AE and a skirt at this cute little store called portrait ... For a grand total of 30 bucks! YEA!!!! GO LAUREN!!! Tawny got me these speakers I wanted from Radio Shack as a birthday gift and then we had to stop for Bite Size cookies before we left ... Mmmm! Lovin' That! Then we I got back home, my mom was there and I told her that she should take me with her to work so she was like "OK" (This is against company policy) so I changed into clothes that were a little more profesional than cropped pants and an "I heart Bazooka" T-Shirt, grabbed my knitting and sat diagonal rom my mommy for the rest of the day. She was really busy so I just listened to my music and knitted. One nosy ass lady came over to the cubicle on the other side of me and wanted to know if Linda (the lady's desk that I was sitting at) had been replaced. I laughed to myself because she thought I couldn't hear her. The lady she was talking to was like "No. Linda's out for the day. That's Paula's daughter. I'm about to give her some work to do in a minute." ME! WORK! Think again sister. Yeah ... the people my mom works with are crazy. I don't think I would want an office job. It gets really eerily quiet a lot. scary quiet if you ask me. After work (haha) me and my mom took off for her Primerica meeting in Arcadia. We got there early because she got to be in the Carpool lane with me in the car. So we stopped at this cyber cafe and then she took me to In-N-Out so I could eat a little dinner. I've been to her Thursday night meetings before and contemplated sitting in the car but I went on in so my mom wouldn't be wanking at me when she got back. I was pretty tired when I got home and knocked out at 1030 or so. It was great how I didn't watch TV or my computer screen all day.

I'm working on Confessions of a Shopaholic by Sophie Kinsella. It's funny but I've barely put a dent in it due to the SOS (Spacing Out Syndrome) I seem to have acquired over the course of this summer.

PEACE!

What is it?

En Vogue asked a crucial question at the end of their album "Funky Divas". Love ... What is it? This is some real talk right here from last night with my dear friend Daisy. I think I've got it all figured out now.

Daisy (10:00:16 PM): I get upset with myself when I don't believe in love
Daisy (10:00:20 PM): and all that stuff
Me (10:01:09 PM): don't be upset ... we all go thru that
Me (10:01:22 PM): i did!
Me (10:01:50 PM): remember in the middle of the semester ... i talked to u about how i'd be content with being alone
Me (10:02:02 PM): i don't give a rats ass most of the time
Daisy (10:02:03 PM): yeah
Daisy (10:02:06 PM): and I am too
Daisy (10:02:16 PM): but I sometimes wonder if that is wrong of me
Me (10:02:22 PM): no!
Daisy (10:02:36 PM): because I feel this discontent with love
Daisy (10:02:44 PM): as if it were only an illusion
Daisy (10:02:47 PM): or something
Daisy (10:02:50 PM): but not a reality
Me (10:02:55 PM): mmmhmmm ... i know what u talking about
Me (10:03:37 PM): like getting married and all of a sudden waking up next to somebody after like 20 years and saying i don't know u anymore
Me (10:03:50 PM): those are the kind of stories that discourage me
Me (10:04:03 PM): i think we call love what it really isn't
Daisy (10:04:17 PM): but we will never know anyone because we are always changing
Daisy (10:04:25 PM): i see
Me (10:04:35 PM): EXACTLY! ... u know who is never changing ...
Me (10:04:38 PM): GOD!
Me (10:04:51 PM): u know who is the ultimate testament of love ... GOD!
Me (10:05:12 PM): we're aspiring to something that is unattainable until death
Me (10:05:28 PM): ... as far as romantic love goes anyway
Me (10:06:31 PM): and I feel as though (right now) I am too self involved to say that I love any man
Me (10:07:42 PM): ... once I "die" to myself and what I desire out of life and desire to share my wants and needs with somebody else then I can say that I love that person
Me (10:08:04 PM): but that ain't happening for a really long time
Me (10:08:41 PM): so have fun I say! ... break some hearts ... getting your heart broken ain't worth it ... we're too selfish for that shit
Me (10:08:54 PM): have i said too much? ... u know i'm a talker
Daisy (10:09:40 PM): no
Daisy (10:09:49 PM): me like your words of wisdom
Me (10:11:07 PM): ...but u feel what i'm saying
Daisy (10:11:13 PM): I do
Me (10:11:29 PM): it's not being negative ... it's just being real

Probably more excited than I should be

But I bought my luggage today! ... Huge ass bags that would fit me in there in the fetal position. I guess I'm all kinds of official now ... I'm going to London ... la la la la la la la!!!! Peace out USA! You ain't doin shit for me anyway! ... (but I will miss all of my buds just as much if not more than they will miss me)

JILLY!!!

jillscott.com Aw dude! Jill Scott got a new album. One month from today. I'm gonna be up in somebody's music store buying that stuff! Take a listen to the album man! Bedda At Home is so right! I love Jill Scott! Beautifully Human: Words and Sounds Vol. II hittin' stores August 31st! WOOOO!

FantaSea Yachts & Yacht Club

FantaSea Yachts & Yacht Club

Had an OK time at the party last night. One cute guy who was too young for me so I didn't holla! ... If you think my SF cutie was robbing the cradle ... This was downright robbing the womb! But anyway ... I danced and ate and danced some more so it's slow morning and I still have to clean this damn house. This is the yacht we were on. It's nice. I'm gonna have my rehearsal dinner there when I get married. Sweet huh?

The Sun!

This should make Cristina smile.

Don't forget the concert October 16th!

 

 

Dedicated to Cristina

A special message because I'm crazy.

What is this world coming to?

JibJab

This possibly the funniest thing I've seen in a long while. Rock the vote!

INVERNESS STREET MARKET

INVERNESS STREET MARKET This is where I will shop for groceries on the weekends in London. Looks like fun in Camden huh?

Dedicated to Meghan

Meghan listen to this because everybody needs some laughter in their life. :-P

Can you count?

 I don't think you can grasp how crucial this is with just some written message so allow me to put it in Lauren terms.

 

Noteworthy Times In Ohio

From Monday July 19th to Monday July 26th, here are some noteworthy events/people from my trip to Columbus.

- My Aunt Germaine's mom is really funny and sweet. Her favorite word is "look". She begins all her sentences with the word and sometimes just says it makes a face and laughs at herself. She liked me and told my Aunt Martha that I was a sweet girl. (I already knew that though :-))

- My Aunt Germaine's son Terrence had a baby on Wednesday (well he didn't actually have the baby but you know what I mean) and we went to go see them in the hospital. I don't think I've ever seen or held a newborn before so that was exciting. The baby's name is Essence. The mother's name is Essie. OH! I just figured out why the child's name is Essence. That's cute!

- Essie's mother does not like my family and when we first came to the hospital she definitely ignored us.

- I still kind of find Terrence attractive ... which is wrong in several ways.- My uncle Randy has lost 97 pounds since he began his dialysis treatments.

- I'm the only one who still calls my uncle Randy. Everybody else calls him Stuart (his first name)

- I was thisclose to seeing my best friend in Ohio but she turned out to be a little too busy on Thursday so the whole family went shopping instead. I bought two coats, a sweater, and some pants and spent a total of about 50 bucks. Gotta love those winter clothing sales in the summertime!

- I slept more than I have ever slept in my life! ... It was ridiculous how much time I spent in bed.- Saturday was the big cookout and the food was good and I met all these people who kept saying the last time they saw me I was "this big."

- I have this cousin named EJ who acts and looks like Steve Urkel and I imagine has trouble making and keeping friends because he likes to play video games and call you names if you ask him to move out of the way because you're trying to watch TV. Poor thing. High school is going to eat him alive. His 11 year old brother had to explain to him what a virgin margarita was. It was funny!

- My cousin Evan brought his friend Brandon over for the bbq. Brandon's cute ... in a you're too young for me but still cute kind of way.- Evan said I was his favorite cousin.- I spent my last two nights at my Aunt Martha's house, which was a nice change of scenery. Hooray for sofa beds and cable free (yes as in NO CABLE) television.

- Um ... 4 words ... When The Rooster Crows

- I got to spend all of no time in Easton at this great outdoor shopping mall that I would like to return to sometime in the not-so-distant future. Apparently it's where people my age go and my cousins went there on Saturday and didn't invite me but I'm not bitter or anything. (grr)

- Let's talk about how 85 percent of Columbus residents are overweight. More to love I guess.

For my final thought I just would like to say that Columbus is slow moving and slow talking. I don't have any desire to live there and I think my cousin Evan has the right idea about leaving. I have to go back in three years to see Evan graduate from high school. My mom will be there too so I shouldn't be as bored as I was. It went by pretty fast though. Faster than I expected. Probably because I slept through most of it. Oh well!

End of a poem I haven't started yet

I don't dress to impress.
I dress to repress
The idea that I am only worthy of clothing that is "barely there."
The revolution of leaving something to the imagination has begun.
I am but one.
One who is more than the clothes she wears.

And underneath them ...

and underneath those ...

is a soul worthy of being admired for more than her clothes.

Back on my soap box

I don't want to be in a sorority. Is that so hard to understand? I know you think I'm pretty and great. But I could give a fuck about sisterhood. Maybe it's because I'm an only child. Maybe it's because when girls get together there's nothing but drama. Maybe I've had enough humiliation in my life but please spare me the "You should pledge" bull. I'll pass thanks.My friend Tony, who's like a brother to me recently crossed over and is now an official Kappa Alpha Psi brother. The Kappas are in a word ... BEAUTIFUL. And if greek life didn't make me want to vomit, I would have no problem signing up, especially if it got me close to these beauties. I went to his initiation in Berkeley around finals time. I went to support my brother and my friend and I just had to see what was about to happen. It was ridiculous. 8 weeks of hell and memorizing and feeling like shit. My other friend Mike was hospitalized ... WHO WANTS TO PLEDGE THIS SHIT!!! He nearly fuckin' died. They laid in these wooden boxes for almost 3 hours. then they busted out of these things like they were crazy and had to perform for all these people like some circus monkeys. I'm not down for that, I'm sorry. Do what you do. I'll support you but don't try to sell me. It isn't going to happen.I talked to my mom about it a few days ago, because she asked sincerely why I didn't pledge a sorority. She made a good point though. Having some greek letters attached to your name can get you far ahead in the game. I just don't know if I want to be about that. I want to make it based on my own merit and who I am as a person, not who I know and associate with. Is that wrong? Is it possible? I guess if you're in grad school and you pledge you don't have to go through all the humiliation that is attached to the process but I don't even know if I'm going to grad school anymore (see 4AM Musings below).Fraternities and sororities do really good things in the community. I see Kappas in particular all the time. I was in a tutoring program, headed by a Kappa man. And that's great but when it comes down to it you have to weigh the pros and cons out for yourself. And from my standpoint the cons far outweigh the pros. It's a personal choice and I choose "No" ... thank you.This has been a public service announcement from LSBC Lauren's Soap Box Connection.

That good romance

I'm all dreamy eyed because I just saw The Notebook. Ryan Gosling, an old heart throb from my days of The New Mickey Mouse Club, was really great. People were all crying and stuff. I wasn't crying. I just watched the movie. I was captured I guess. I haven't seen a good romance in a really long time. I was all analyzing the film. It was fun to pick out all the imagery and context clues. It was incredibly typical and cliche. Boy meets girl from other side of the tracks. Boy chases girl. Girl falls for boy. Parents of girl disapprove ... la la la. But I'm such a sucker for that story. It never gets old for me because like every other girl, I secretly want to be rescued and feel that passion for someone the same passion that they feel for me. Shhh ... don't tell (hehe)

4AM musings

It was so hot in my room that I woke up sweating to the sounds of "Cold Hard Bitch" on the TV. I'm glad it's summer and all but damn can I sleep through the night? I forgot to mention yesterday that I am going to (finally) get my new headshots done. I really need them for when I go to London in case I meet people. And my look never changes much (except for when I drastically cut my hair a few months ago :-)) so I could probably keep them for a good three years.Speaking of three years from now ...I went to my cousins' house last weekend to show them pictures from my trip to India and my cousin Sandra told me not to go to grad school. She makes a good point. I'd be studying acting if I went where I want to go (Tisch School of The Arts at NYU.) But maybe she's right. People in the industry don't look at your degrees, they look at your experience. If I want to act I need to act. I have to be out there on auditions. Believe me, this is what I want to do in theory but the trouble was a five letter word: LOANS. I've racked up a lot of them but wonder of wonders and miracle of miracles ... my mom's cashing out on the house and she said she'll be able to use the money to pay off the two private loans we took out for USF and pay off The London Theatre Program. So with that out of the way and a significantly lower tuition bill when I return from London, considering I'll be living off-campus ... maybe I can live on my own and go on auditions. How crazy is that?Since high school I've wanted to do National Evangelization Team and give retreats for young people and high school kids. This would require a one-year commitment from me. I thought about applying and doing the program fresh out of high school. But my mother advised against it. She was right. It would've sucked to be older than all the people in my year in school ... well it wouldn't have been that bad but I would've missed out on some great friends and some valuable lessons had I deferred enrollment for an entire year. So maybe now that I won't have as much loans to pay off I can do NET. AH! I hate money it opens and closes so many doors!K ... I'm done ... If this made no sense ... don't blame me ... blame the heat for waking me up at 3:30AM.

Starving for stimulation

I want a boyfriend ... I know, I know you've heard it all before! ... for real this time though.I'm lonely as hell here. Can I just get a nice young man who is doing things. A guy who thinks about me every now and then. Somebody who wants to hold my hand. Most of all I just need some mind sex. Some mental stimulation. Someone to keep it up until the sun rises or my head falls on a pillow fully satisfied. It's killing me. I haven't had good conversation with a guy in so long. I'm really starting to worry about their entire species. Are they not capable of holding conversation anymore? What is the issue? I'd like to know. I don't need you to buy me nice things ... When it comes down to it I'm a simple girl with really simple needs: faithfulness, a hand to hold, ears to listen, a mouth to speak intelligently. Why is that so hard to give? I'm OK on my own but the thing is ... I've been on my own for my entire life. Yeah I've had the occasional guy to date and kiss but where's the satisfaction in just going to dinner or a movie? Where's the guy who cares about me as a person, who has goals and aspirations and wants to share all of them with me? Am I asking too much? Please let me know, because I still think it's a very simple request. I've never been one to really wait around for opportunity to knock on my door. Ask all of my past crushes. Maybe I'm going about it all wrong. I've tried the be-demure-do-your-own-thing-because-they-always-come-when-you're-not-looking road. That didn't help! I did my thing all year, made sure I didn't have time to look for or think about looking for a guy. HELLO!! Still single! Maybe things will change when I leave. I love going to new places because this is a chance to re-invent myself. Somebody's gotta come through in London or maybe I'll just come back different and that'll open me up to a new possibility or two in the city. I'm still frustrated though! I've got 7 weeks before I go there. That's a long time of talking to myself. Ok i'm done venting ... for now

All the plumber's butt but no plumber!

HAHAHA oh this morning was comedy with the technician from SBC. We've been having computer issues and so my mom called SBC in a panic because she was sure it was the connection. Which it's not ... but anyway! The technician comes around 11. He's a big guy. I always feel bad for the pleasingly plump people that have to work on things at our place because they have to walk up two flights of stairs. So when he finally got to the top he's breathing all hard as he sits down to check out our computer. I tell him that I don't think it's the connection but he can check it anyway. He tells me it isn't the connection, it's the computer (which I already knew) I'm chilling watching him screw around to kill time and I look down and see so much crack I'd swear I was in an abandoned alley way at home. It just wasn't right. How do u tell people they need to pull up their pants? I don't think he was wearing any underwear though because there was just too much booty. I'm sorry this is terrible but still funny. So he's sitting here and his head is just bobbing like he's conducting business in India and he must have a blocked passage way because it sounded like he was snoring. He's talking about the money it's gonna cost for the tech visit and then he gets a page from his supervisor to let him know that my dad is an SBC employee so he starts talking me up and being all nice. It was amusing but I was not impressed. People only treat you nice when you can do something for them. What's that about?! A customer is a customer.

Keep on rockin' in the free world

Shit I'm fucking pissed. I just saw Farenheit 9/11 and I could just throw something at the Bush asshole that is fucking responsible for all this bull. AAHHH!!! I'm so mad. So what am I going to do with all this anger? Well my trip to Ohio will not be in vain. Ohio is one of the biggest swing states in the country and I'm going armed with voter registration info. It's just the right way to do things. We have to be heard and somebody needs to let this man know that he is incapable of running my country. There's hope for something a lot better than the idiot that sits atop the US throne right now. Fuck Iraq! Fuck Oil! Fuck the fucking president! I'm done!

On Death and Dying

I'm really glad that my great grandmother is going to be closer to the family. She just turned 95 a few days ago and has been in Oxnard living on C Street for as long as I can remember. I rarely visited but now I can see her much more often. Her daughter: my great aunt Trudi is currently in a convalescent home and the family is going to move my great grandmother there with her. We went to go see Trudi and she played this tape that she came across when she was moving. It was a telephone conversation with my grandfather (her brother) and grandmother. I don't remember my grandmother but people say I look and act like her. I wish I could remember what she looked like. She died when I was three. The recording was right after she had a mild stroke. It was weird. It was like talking to somebody from beyond the grave, you know? She was really positive and just laughed through the stroke like it was nothing. Sometimes I wish I could talk to my loved ones who have passed on. I have one grandparent still living and that's going to be really hard when she passes on. I loooovee my grandma. She's my absolute favorite relative and she's so cool. She started going back to school when I started college. Isn't that awesome? I think about death a lot and how it affects me and doesn't affect me. My grandfather on my mother's side died when I was about 9. I met him once but I cried and cried when he died. My grandfather on my dad's side died when I was 17 and I knew he was really sick and I didn't cry at all. This girl Rolanda that I used to go to school with had cancer and she was a make-a-wish kid and all she wanted to do was go to high school. She passed away 2 months after senior year started. I went to her funeral and cried for her. She wasn't my best friend or anything just a girl I knew and liked as a person; but I guess there are different things that move me to tears for different people who have passed on. I wonder sometimes how it's gonna be when I die and who will be there to celebrate my life. Is that weird? I guess it's kind of morbid but I'm sort of numb to the feelings these days with all the violence and death that I see on TV everyday. I don't even want to watch the news anymore. That shit makes people afraid to go outside and stay inside. It eats away at your spirit, drive, and soul. And if we decide to do either ... what happens to humanity? What really will be the death of me? Fear or a gun? What will die first? My spirit or my body?

Time

I was on the phone with Harry from SBC telling him I couldn't connect to the internet this morning. He took me through a 45 minute process to finally tell me that there is an outage in my neighborhood that would be fixed by tomorrow. Tomorrow?! I said to myself... what am I supposed to do without my beautiful DSL? Oh how I long for that good LAN Network at USF. When I could turn on my computer and just be connected to the rest of the world. I didn't have to dial shit. But DSL is at least much better than a 32 KBps Dial up connection right? It's all the same thing, it's just going to take me a little longer to get there. And where were we without cell phones? How did wives let their husbands know they were going to be a little late for dinner? Don't you remember the days without cell phones? When you had to memorize numbers and write them down in phone books or post them on your bulletin board? Wasn't it nice? Remember when you used to go outside and play? Don't you miss not having the interaction with another human being? We need physical contact. There was a study performed by some Ivy-League kids that said if you are not touched or held as a baby your life span is cut drastically short. That's what the world is coming to. Pretty soon we won't need doctors and lawyers and professors; Everything will be done online or with a robot. I don't know about you but that shit scares me. Sometimes I just want to talk on the phone with you and not IM you. I like the anticipation of telling you my good news in person. Is that wrong? Wait a few extra minutes while I walk down the street ... I don't have anything against new things. I think it's wonderful: the educational prowess of people but before you buy that fast as hell internet connection or your boost mobile phone, think of the risks. If that shit stops working your stress intensity shoots through the roof. Your heart starts beating faster because of the anticipation that has been created. If you're not instantly and constantly gratified anymore you're susceptible to ulcers and heart attacks and even death. I wanna live, not waste my time on inanimate objects. The world is moving so fast and I have become the poster-child for a generation spoiled by technology. Why does everything have to be faster? Why do we want to live so fast? I believe we have only one life so why not cherish it for all the time that it gives you and not all the time that it takes away. This has been a Public Service Announcement from your not-so-normal broadcast of LSBC Lauren's Soap Box Connection.

My new school

This is where i'll be going in 7 weeks. Ben Kingsley did this program, and Orlando Bloom, and Fiona Shaw! How cool is that? BADA

Audio blogger was just calling to me

Welcome to a revolution in live journaling recently discovered by Me!

My culture is not a trend

So my new friend had a blog on his page regarding the use of the word nigga by people who aren't black. He had a good point and it got me thinking so here's what I said to him. "I feel that. Did u see the episode of The Real World San Diego. People were coming out of the wood works saying "I use the N-Word all the time" and they were not black. It's ridiculous how uneducated people are. But what dissappoints me is not so much the use of the word but the fact that nobody has ever taken the time to tell somebody who uses that word unnecessarily that they are wrong and why they are wrong. I've been on both sides where I will use the word in a sort of defiance of what it used to be or I won't use the word at all because of where it comes from. But I feel and have always felt strongly as a black woman that I can make that choice. Not a lot of people know that the word cracker a term I often heard growing up, came from the slave owner cracking the whip on the backs of his slaves. So I wonder if white people today realize that when that term is used it should hurt. It should be derogatory. They should feel ... something. Maybe when slavery is finally over we can start [to] address these situations. I don't mean writing a law or an amendment. I mean education. Our children aren't being taught tolerance in school and on TV. They're being taught to fear each other so how do we as young people work to transform that fear into something constructive?"

Fogged judgment

For some reason I always figure out too late that I'd do a whole lot better if I wasn't alone. If I just had someone to call or to hang with. I'm probably one of millions of only children who wishes sometimes that they weren't the only one. When I was going through things from age 11-14 I realize that all I really needed was someone to talk to and to be with and listen to. I am my happiest when I'm surrounded by other people. A sister would've been cool to have. Not that I'm not grateful for the ones I have but 17 years old is a little late for my dad to get the message and start popping them out. On the 17th "the middle child" Natalia will be turning 3. 3 years ago I was going into my senior of high school. The day my dad told me about Natalia she was 1 month away from being born. It's so crazy how time flies... and how slow it goes to the point where you feel like you aren't truly living. I'll have those moments, especially these days, where I just lift my soul out of myself and watch what I do and wonder how I came to be and what the days were like that I can't remember and travel back to the days I chose to forget. I was on the phone with my best friend yesterday and we were talking about freshmen year and how it seems like we've been friends forever. We talked about this one guy I used to "be with" and his memory still weighs heavily on my mind (even though I hate him for doing me shady.) Wonder what he's doing now? Summer dreams ripped at the seams ... But oh those summer nights! HAHA!!! I'm all over the place tonight. I'm going in so many different directions I'm starting to make myself dizzy. I'm feeling a lot more cautious and a lot less spontaneous and that's why things didn't turn out the way I thought they would when I got to SF last weekend. Taking risks and running with my gut instinct got me in some pretty big messups this past year so I think I'm learning to take it slow and return to my over-analytical self who always ends up making the right choice in the end even when it doesn't seem like the best choice. From my trip to India, one thing I learned is that in order to see things clearly and be at your most alert you must act rationally with patience and faith. How else can I be content with traveling 400 miles to just hold hands. I have faith that I have made the best and most rational decision in my pursuit of something. I believe that if something is meant to be then it will happen for you in it's own due time. Not when you want it to happen but when the time is right. Ah clarity ... Only in the summer time when the clouds part and you can see the things that were once a million miles away in the perfect light.

Lauren @ Myspace.com

Lauren @ Myspace.com I think I'm addicted to MySpace.

Things I've figured out over the past 5 days

Things aren't always as good as they seem. Expect the unexpected. Don't judge people before you've had a chance to know them; they might surprise you. I am the most and the least spontaneous person rolled into one. Sometimes it's nice to just hold hands. I'm going to be incredibly broke in London. I have really good friends. The truth will get you much farther than a lie ever could. San Francisco is so cool. Being an adult and taking care of yourself is fun for awhile and then you wish you didn't have to pay for food, electricity, water ... and life. Casual dating is fun all the time. Opportunities to dance with a live band as your musical selection should not be passed up. I should value all that I view as sacred because who knows when I will have to let go for good. My semester abroad is going to rock the world!

Not so good things I forgot to mention ... be prepared to laugh

Well really just one big mishap on my way to SF last saturday. I would like to begin by saying United Airlines has become, at a rapid fire pace, the bane of my existence. All thanks to one incident on July 3rd 2004. I can't even convey to u the amount of drama they took me through on saturday morning. I get to the airport at 830. My flight is at 1045. I was so early they couldn't even issue me a seat yet. So i chilled and read at the gate for an hour and a half. As it turns out their printer is broken so they have to get my and everyone else's boarding pass from another gate. I just kick it because i'm a confirmed passenger and i'm second to last to get my boarding pass. I figure why wait in line when u can just chill and still be guaranteed a seat? I get in line and i'm headed to the back of the plane. Boarding WOOHOO! 31E is my seat so i count the rows ... 28 full ... 29 full ... 30 full ... 31 full .... ER? Ok so i'm thinking this guy just wants to sit with his wife. So i figure i'll just take his seat once he tells me where it is. I show him my ticket. He shows me his ticket. It says 31 E. ER?! So the flight attendant takes me to the front of the plane. Mind u the plane has already pulled away from the jetway! And I don't have a seat! How they double booked one seat (MY SEAT!) i have no clue! (If you're not in hysterics by now ... wait until u read the rest). So the plane has to move back toward the gate and attach itself to the jetway again so that I can get off and grab another flight. Surely everyone on the plane is staring upon me with utter contempt because the plane is already late! So I walk down the jetway amongst the dialogues of "How did this happen?" "There must be a glitch in the system." "Can you take a later flight?" OF COURSE I CAN TAKE A LATER FLIGHT! What else am I supposed to do?! Ask somebody else to give up their seat? Are you kidding? At the desk they inform me that my flight leaves at 1115. It is currently 1105. The flight's at Gate 71. I'm at Gate 66. Sounds close right? WRONG!!! I have to run clear across the terminal, at LEAST 3 quarters of a mile! Here is where the track skills come in because I made it 2 minutes before the plane was pulling away from the jetway. My new seat is 19D. Out of breath ... I board the 1115. I count again 15 ... 16 ... 17 ... 18 ... 19 full?! Noooooo!! Not twice ... you're joking right? WHy is somebody playing tricks on me? I tap the lady and I say "19D?" and she says "Oh I must be 18D!" and promptly moves. Relieved I proceed to sit down ....... NEXT TO AN INCREDIBLY OBESE MAN WHOSE ELBOW IS THE SIZE OF MY FACE AND IS SITUATED IN ORDER TO MAIM MY RIGHT EYE! ... Two empty seats next to me beg for me to occupy them but I've already settled in and how politically incorrect would it be to move ... It would be saying "Hi, you're FAT and I'm not going to sit next to you because your elbow is the size of my face." So I sucked it up and prayed for a quick flight. It was so ridiculous. You just don't understand ... In conclusion, NEVER FLY UNITED!

Real Compared to What?

I don't want to be home anymore. This summer is about to be real uninteresting while I wait for Freedom Day (September 2nd) to come through. I've bought my ticket to London and there's no turning back now. I never even thought about studying abroad but I couldn't pass this up. I'm going to be doing something I absolutely love in a place that I've never been. I don't think you can fathom the ultimate craziness of this entire situation. It's mad! ... I'm just anxious I suppose. I like live and breathe USF and I was sure I would never leave but now that I have this chance to get out of here and meet new people and be myself somewhere else, I'm having dreams about it already. I'm about to explode with emotions. AH!