Date: 09/29/04
London is incredible. I'll have time to travel soon because classes end in 4 weeks and then we start rehearsals that won't take up as much time. I'm going to Italy for sure and hopefully to Paris for a weekend and almost positively making a trip to Ireland to see some friends.
I'm having no trouble socializing and all I just wish there was somebody here I knew (or who knew me rather.) Most people came with at least one other person from their school. I'm doing my best to adjust and it's getting better as time goes on. My flatmates are ... OK. I live with this chick Erin and she's hooking up with this guy I was interested in from the get. His name is John. He's gorgeous and into acting (of course) and catholic :-O. Anyway it's just super weird because he's over and sleeping in her bed almost every night. That's gross to me. There are like 8 people hooking up and I'm like GROSS!!! You don't know these people!!! We've been here all of 3 weeks!!! HELLO!!! I guess part of me is just mad that I don't have somebody all up on my jock ... Whatever! That's not what I'm here for right? Right ... Then Erin's friend from her school Paige is this 18 y/o female who thinks she knows every goddamn thing. I can tell she doesn't have a lot of experience with people of color. Paige's roommate Erin (another Erin) is cool but hella dirty in the kitchen and never washes her dishes. Neither Erin washes their dishes. That's annoying as hell. Then there's the other black girl in the program Esosa. I didn't like her from jump street. She's mean. She's thinks she's right about everything and mad judgmental. The only other flatmate Emily I have no reason to dislike because she's hardly ever there. HAHA! Getting her groove on with her British boyfriend and friends.
Classes are hard work and I'm wiped everyday after classes end. My group always gets crazy schedules because our teachers are working actors and have to rearrange shit all the time so they can go on shoots and to rehearsal and stuff. It's cool but it's insane. Like yesterday we were out at 11:30 and started at 9:30 but to make up for the 3 hours of class that we missed we'll have those hours tacked on to another day. Probably a Friday ... (grrr)
I went shopping for the first time since I've been here yesterday. I successfully turned all my white underwear pink ... like I've never washed clothes before (what is my issue). Living in the flats is basically like living in the dorms. I "make my rounds" every night and see what's going on with other people. Since I'm not involved in the drama I know everythingabout everybody's business :-) As it should be right?It's hard dealing with drama people (including myself) everyday because it's never less than tense in every situation. I love it in the program but will be glad when I come home to SF and can have my sane friends back :-)
I was super sad today because I'm having a lot of trouble grasping theater history and being intelligent in Dramatic Criticism class. It's just me being stupid and self-conscious but I really do feel dumb and inadequate when everybody else can express their thoughts on a particular subject so concisely and I'm all ..."Ummm I liked the show ... I thought it was good." I'm worried when this class comes around. I'm trying not to let it discourage me but dude it fucking sucks to feel like you can't really contribute anything to a conversation about something you should be well versed in. Regardless I am learning much and the program is teaching me lessons of patience andhumility etc. It's really intense.
I've lost weight. I'm back down to a size 12 from my top size 14 since sophomore year started. AND I STILL HAVE 2 MONTHS LEFT!!! If I keep this up ... by the time I see you I'll be a size 6 and ready to wear my first bikini in about 8 years. It sucks though because none of my pants fit and I can stick both arms down the legs of my AE jeans. I figure I need to get money from dad to either buy more clothes or more food ... but anyway enough of my ranting.
Saturday, December 18, 2004
An excerpt from an email I wrote
Dated: 10/14/04
I had a rough day. Started off good but then I got to Shakespeare class and this one kid was just being an asshole all day long and pushed my last nerve... there's no other word to describe it. He's one of those people who likes to hear himself speak and doesn't respect other people's opinions and he just annoys the mess out of me.
Most of the kids in the program are like that. AH! People are really starting to get ridiculous. I'm not really friends with anybody here and I feel super alone. There's no one I talk to really. It's so frustrating. I was having a really great day. I was nice to Paige this morning because she wasn't feeling well. I think that as soon as classes end and I'm not surrounded by the same people I'll have less of an animosity towards people but right now folks are working my nerves.
It's nice when I can go out dancing like I did this weekend and just release. Had so much fun! There was a live hip hop band when we got there and Justin one of the lead rappers in the band totally made eye contact with me ... I think we'll get married. HAHA! But yeah me and two other girls who I don't dislike and 3 guys who I don't have strong feelings against either just had a blast. We were at the club until 3:30 in the morning ... and we had a day trip yesterday to Cheltenham to the Literary festival that we had to be on the bus for by 9AM. That was festive. I made it entertaining for myself ... well tried to anyway. And this African local and I had a really good conversation about my being African American and his being African. He thought I was beautiful (of course)... that was definitely a highlight of my day. I passed out on the bus being sleep deprived and all but was really pleased with how the weekend turned out.
I'm so disconnected from everything going on here. It's not purposely (is that a word?) I just want someone to talk to who understands. I feel like a lot of it has to do with me being the only Black American in the program. I know there's Esosa but there's a difference between African Americans and black Americans ... you know? I'm struggling mommy. But I have to work through it because it's not too much for me to handle. It's just not what I was expecting so I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me everyday. I'm so surprised by people (in good ways and bad ways) and I don't know how to react or what my next move is going to be. I'm out of control and vulnerable.
I had a rough day. Started off good but then I got to Shakespeare class and this one kid was just being an asshole all day long and pushed my last nerve... there's no other word to describe it. He's one of those people who likes to hear himself speak and doesn't respect other people's opinions and he just annoys the mess out of me.
Most of the kids in the program are like that. AH! People are really starting to get ridiculous. I'm not really friends with anybody here and I feel super alone. There's no one I talk to really. It's so frustrating. I was having a really great day. I was nice to Paige this morning because she wasn't feeling well. I think that as soon as classes end and I'm not surrounded by the same people I'll have less of an animosity towards people but right now folks are working my nerves.
It's nice when I can go out dancing like I did this weekend and just release. Had so much fun! There was a live hip hop band when we got there and Justin one of the lead rappers in the band totally made eye contact with me ... I think we'll get married. HAHA! But yeah me and two other girls who I don't dislike and 3 guys who I don't have strong feelings against either just had a blast. We were at the club until 3:30 in the morning ... and we had a day trip yesterday to Cheltenham to the Literary festival that we had to be on the bus for by 9AM. That was festive. I made it entertaining for myself ... well tried to anyway. And this African local and I had a really good conversation about my being African American and his being African. He thought I was beautiful (of course)... that was definitely a highlight of my day. I passed out on the bus being sleep deprived and all but was really pleased with how the weekend turned out.
I'm so disconnected from everything going on here. It's not purposely (is that a word?) I just want someone to talk to who understands. I feel like a lot of it has to do with me being the only Black American in the program. I know there's Esosa but there's a difference between African Americans and black Americans ... you know? I'm struggling mommy. But I have to work through it because it's not too much for me to handle. It's just not what I was expecting so I feel like I've had the wind knocked out of me everyday. I'm so surprised by people (in good ways and bad ways) and I don't know how to react or what my next move is going to be. I'm out of control and vulnerable.
Friday, December 17, 2004
It's lost on me
I wish I could describe what just happened over these last three months in words but it's impossible. There were just constant moments that life hands you. Moments you had to be in to experience. So full of emotion and impact. I have now returned to the next phase of my life. I am home. I am 20 pounds lighter and 20 tons wiser. Who knew just a few months a few thousand miles away with a few different people could do this to me? Whatever this is. I feel alone. But the good kind of alone. The alone that makes you want to go out and conquer the world. It's freeing.
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