lauren and the invisibles

Today is Christmas. And everything is going as planned. I woke up this morning. Made a lovely breakfast. Had a hot cup of chai. Chatted with my mommy. Checked the movie times and bought a ticket online for the 215 show. I hustled out of the house and on to the train. The movie was sold out when I get here so I was pumped that I bought my ticket before I left. Hooray for Fandango! I'm getting ready to take my seat in the disabled section and this bitch just rolls up behind me like she doesn't see me and my bright blue purse and TAKES MY SEAT! I just walked across the theater to another seat as she called after me. Fuck you lady. Take the seat. Then she tried to come and tell me to take the seat after she's found somewhere better to sit. I can't stand people. But I'm not going to let it ruin my day.

Merry Christmas everyone. Hope you're celebrating the birth of our Lord with the ones you love and basking in the true spirit of the holiday. And if you're not Christian ... Hope you have a chill day off ... And if you're still working for the man ... Sucks to be you baby, but this too shall pass.

it sucks to be you, michael richards

i was flipping channels last night and paused on tbs to catch an episode of seinfeld. and while i don't want to judge this man ... it's ruined for me now. can't stand to see the guy on tv. i thought it wouldn't bother me at all to see old episodes of the show and to see krazy cosmo. i just can't bring myself to do so. the idea of supporting the career of someone who has so much hatred within him. it just doesn't sit well with me. and all the rage that spewed out of him came flooding back. the screaming "he's a nigger! he's a nigger!" is still ringing in my head.i imagine if i had a friend who revealed such awful inner feelings that i would have to abandon them in the same way. and his apology doesn't do anything for me. i don't care that he's sorry to whoever he offended. he needs to start feeling sorry for himself. i sure feel sorry for him. and i'll keep praying for him because that's all i can do.

back seat riding

I'm in a mini limo on my way to the doctor's office. My driver smells like dollar store cologne. Lots of it. Ugh! Honestly? Must you bathe in it? Can u just use a bar of dial soap and call it good?

Uhoh Vanessa Carlton's on the radio. He likes this song. He turned down the intercom from his job.

I'm so not feeling the day. I think it's mostly because today is the day Morgan was supposed to come. And now I have to wait til march and it isn't fair but life isn't fair I suppose. And your plans don't always turn out the way they are supposed to. And on top of all that I don't think I got my stipend today.

Why do bad things happen to wonderful people? I mean this is nothing. Compared to most of the world I've got it pretty damn good. Look where I am. Riding in a mini limo while the scene of the Astoria projects passes me by. This is fairly surreal don't u think?

Watched Grey's last night. Seriously? So much drama on that show. Sometimes I don't know how they think of it all. Derek's sister was hilarious! For half the show I couldn't figure out who the hell she was and then it came to me in the middle of the show. Miss Honey! From Matilda. I love that movie.

Anyway that's the update from the back seat.

broken. not broke.

The outpouring of concern for my health and well being from the very second I broke my ankle has been abundant and has really helped me to realize how rich in love I am. I'm all patched up now and I think that with the continued prayers and well wishes I'll be back in action in no time. You should see me on crutches. Seriously. I'm a pro already.

I may be going home to hawthorne for a few days so be on the lookout for some moaning and groaning about how much I despise L.A. My doc said it'd be best to wait until I got my sutures(sp?) out before I flew home so I'll know more after nov. 3. I'm on vicodin and aspirin to reduce pain and swelling respectively. And it's tough passing the minutes on the couch but it's gotta be done I suppose.



I keep dreaming about my job. Who does that?

my other home has 24 industrial dryers

i'm so thirsty. i'm not getting enough liquids i know. because i'm too busy scratching myself and scrounging for a meal. ah ... the new york life.

there is a box in a townhouse in hawthorne and it needs to be shipped to me. everyone that lives in that house disabled so if you feel the need to help out i would give you all the love i can muster up from the depths of my heart because i don't make any money.

i've been to the classic laundromat so much in the past 3 weeks that the people who work here probably know me by name. they probably have lengthy conversations about their customers including that one black girl who always brings her laundry in plastic garbage bags and scratches her arms while she waits. i think ethan hawke filmed one of his movies here because there are 2 framed pictures of him and the guy who played trey in sex and the city with very dramatic looks on their faces.

yesterday i had to get out of the bug infested house so i just walked from the apple store (my second home) to union square down 5th avenue. there i sat in the park and read until some random guy announced that it was going to rain. it didn't rain but i ran for cover anyway into the cafe at whole foods. those nyu kids have it good. a whole foods and a trader joe's within seconds of each other. i think i spotted kiera knightley's husband from love actually while i was walking through the park yesterday. i'm pretty sure it was him. he has pretty distinct features.

work was hell today because i spent half the previous night sleeping on the kitchen table to keep from getting bit more. and i spent half the day on a return from the drowsy state that generic atarax produces because i took it at 3:30am and had to be out the door at 8:15am to get to my supervisors house by 10am. ugh. and i felt nauseous all day long.

i'm in the process of disinfecting my room. i don't think the fumigation job done 3 weeks ago was very thorough so i'm taking matters into my own hands. my new motto for everything pretty much is "if you want something done right you gotta do it yourself." if the bugs come back this time however i am all about moving to another location. there's no harm in asking anyway. all i know is i cannot go another night of sleeping on the kitchen table. the situation has surpassed ridiculous.

on the other hand. i love new york and have never felt so astonished and so alive as i have with every moment i spend in this place.

oh hey! i will be attending the soa watch for the first time ever this year. if anyone's going, call me. that's the update. i'm tired.

2 weeks 2 long

It's been a crazy, crazy, 2 weeks.

I don't even know where to begin. Let me think. My job is cool. No kids until Monday but for those of you who know what's up I will be doing a modified version of Company with the little ones. 12 - 13 year olds. We'll play together for a couple weeks. Find an issue that interests them. Do community service in the vein of that issue. Write, direct, produce, and execute a fabulous show at the end of the year. And we might even get to go on tour to other schools and communities in NYC. Sounds exciting no? I'm excited. My supervisor responded well to my idea. My staff seems to like me as well. They're crazy. But hey it's cool to be around crazy people sometimes. Marcello the dance specialist told me that he was planning on being mean to the new volunteer but because I'm so nice he couldn't be mean. SCORE!

Living in community has its challenges of course. One of the worst is grocery shopping. Never do that with 4 other people with four radically different opinions of what we should eat for the next 2 weeks. I love coming home and knowing that there are people happy to see me. I love just sitting and talking and being without an operating television. And not having internet on a regular basis isn't so bad. I do other things now besides myspace. Like getting my apartment fumigated for bed bugs. Jealous?

Live from New York

Let me begin by saying I have learned a lot about living simply by being deprived of the luxury that is constant free internet in my home. I have moved into the 24/7 Apple Store on 5th Ave and 59th St. And I have become those people I used to despise who check their myspace and facebook in the store.

While I have stopped blogging daily I have begun writing in my journal again. My hand hurts from teaching it how to pick up a pen again. However, as promised I will update so here are recent entries:

8/20

Finally I'm in NY
It's not what I expected.
Not that I expected anything. but
I miss SF. The fog & cold and bustle.
I guess soon enough I'll get 2 of 3.

8/22

The ghost and I have reconnected. And I think God really does have some strange power over the relationship the ghost and I have built. I never stopped caring for him. I had recently begun a forgive and forget process so that I could leave SF behind without all that baggage. He was the ghost that I had held on to for way too long. Time to be free. And as I'm packing up the last of my belongings I stumbled across a letter I'd planned on giving him the next time I ran into him. I didn't read it. I don't even recall what it said really. I ripped it up that morning and breathed a huge sigh thinking I had finally found the closure I needed. No more than 20 minutes later who should call but the ghost. My last day and I'm all packed and too through and here he is. Driving up in his Lincoln Town Car Mark VII. And I'm looking at him and in total awe of the entire situation and we're driving and everything's as though we'd never gone 6 months without seeing each other. Do you believe in signs? I do. I honestly believe he wouldn't have called if I hadn't tossed that letter. Honestly, when it comes down to it, I still believe in us. And we're in his car and listening to music and being in each other's company like we've always done. And I remember all the vivacious beauty, the excitement, tenacity, passion, joy, smiles, laughter, thoughfulness that made me fall for him in the first place. And I'm still in copious amounts of disbelief.
He's just
familiar
comfortable
joy
pain
a hand hold
a long embrace
a cool breeze
a hot day
a deep breath
a cup of tea
rain
sun
a hip hop beat
an angel
a long stride
security
a contradiction
a spark
a blaze
everything I'm not
everything I am
everything I aspire to be

and I feel a responsibility to him because he is all of these things to me. And I don't know when I'll see him again but when something's right you just fall right back into it. like memory foam, he knows how i fit. I was just convinced that things will work out. That I've found him again and even if a time comes for us to let go again our forever will come.

8/27

Whoa man I'm in New York. I'm living in the city that never sleeps and I don't know what to do with myself. I ant to go everywhere and do everything. That's kind of impossible in this huge ass place but shit, I'll try.

8/30

I just saw the most beautiful specimen of a man. He was that perfect chocolate that they ire black models to be. and all his clothes hat 2 foot were tailored to fit him. I just kept looking. I couldn't help it. He just looked that good.

So much truth on the subway. I don't mean truth. I mean defiance. They say stay alert on the train. But a woman was so tired she fell asleep mouth wide open. And she fought. B/C she woke up with a start but w/i seconds she was asleep again mouth wide open again.

Oh and I love the sign "Do not lean against the doors" and the man who seems to perfectly fashion his body as to imitate the diagram that follows the warning.

"Be First."

dear john

this will hurt. i'm leaving you for another. her name is new york. she's ready to show me things i've never seen before. she's got a place set up for me and at this point i'm not sure whether my relationship with new york will develop into romance or disdain. she's just new and different and in no way comparable to how i feel about you. she's just different. understand that i never meant to fall in love with you. it just happened that way. we're soulmates, you and i. and i'll be back but right now i think it's better if i leave. i still want us to be friends. i still love you. it has nothing to do with you, it's me. and i think i need to take this opportunity to be a little selfish. and i know you will grow leaps and bounds without me in your life. i won't be back to pick up my things. i'm only taking what i can carry so throw it out, give it to someone else, keep it. i don't care. the things we've acquired over the past four years don't mean anything more to me than a penny on the ground. i care about how much you've taken care of me and protected me and given me a sense of security. you took me as i was and gave me room to grow. i love you so much and can never forget all that you've given me. the person you've helped me to become is forever grateful and indebted to you. there's nothing left to say. the more i write, the more i cry and the less steps i take from walking away fully intact and composed. i'll write you again soon. sincerely, lauren

like a virgin

my save the children music man came to take me to dinner and a movie last night. and at first everything was cool. he got off of work late so was late coming to get me but we ended up sticking around campus and i tookhim to assab. and we had all this conversation which mostly centered around me ... just the way i like it. so everything's going pretty ok. according to plan anyway. he kept getting upset talking about how "we're breaking up tonight." i bust out laughing but i think he was serious. for real guy? don't you know that kind of talk scares people? and i hope he noticed the perplexed look i was giving him. and i hope he didn't mistake my laughter for anything but nervousness because he was freaking me out a little when he started to get all deep talking about beliefs and ideals and religion. all of a sudden we were on like 12th date material. and i hardly know him. at least he had to leave before 12 so that he could get home before bart stopped running. right?

wrong! we finished eating. stopped at the liquor store and i picked up some cab. we go back to my nearly empty apartment. he turned off all the lights and sat next to me on the couch and was like let's just relax. holding my hand and shit. well it was dark and i started to get sleepy but refused to drift off to sleep. and he kept touching me. which was fine and all if his motives hadn't been so obvious. apparently i was in for a house guest. not like i had plans for the evening. not like i had a birthday party to attend and a bottle of red to purchase. *sigh* he seriously tried to get me to not go to morgan's birthday party. and then made this whole big fuss about walking to the actual party. asking if any of my friends had cars and would be in attendance. declaring that he would get us a ride from the party back to my room. i tried to explain to him that nobody drives in this city. stupid. constantly inquiring on the way there whether or not there would be marijuana. when he found out that there would be weed i made my disgust with smoking pretty clear. he was like are you going to kiss me some more if i smoke. i said no. he said what if i buy a toothbrush and then went into the liquor store and bought a toothbrush! DEALBREAKER! i wanted to punch him in the face. this wasn't supposed to turn out this way. first dates don't just turn into overnighters. what kind of girl do you take me for?


then after an extended silence on the way to the party he says,

"you don't kiss like a virgin."

!!!!!!!

"what's that supposed to mean?"
"exactly."

!!!!!!!


DEALBREAKER! and we get to the party and he just makes himself right at home finds the smoking room and posts himself amidst all of the action. i drank some of my mini cab and then stayed outside with jenn and dan and marciano and amber the rest of the time until save the children music man came downstairs. and i left with him in tow. i couldn't believe the childishness of this man. sucking his teeth, pouting, huffing, and puffing. how old are we? let's act our age and not our shoe size. thanks. and then he tried to get me to lay next to him on the extra long twin mattress i put on the floor in my room. mmm. no. i'm sleeping in my bed and you're sleeping there. good night. and then he snored! he had the nerve to snore! this is why i cannot get married. i cannot deal with people in my space. making themselves all comfortable without my express written permission. ugh. i'm glad i got the hook up out of my system but dammit. why'd he have to be so crazy psycho? this is one for the record books.








i hate boys.

lessons

this week i've learned: there are three ways to spell it: F-O-R-W-A-R-D in reference to movement, F-O-R-E-W-O-R-D in reference to literature, and F-O-R-E-W-A-R-D in reference to the position in basketball. i love hearing my name i am not the hard ass i appear to be in my myspace picture when kelis sings "i'm back with an 808" she's referring to the penal code for disturbing the peace, not the area code for hawaii. conflict is always present, it's what you do with and how you react to the conflict that creates tension or lack thereof. i like being by myself (occassionally) i'm gonna be ok. and most importantly ... i like jermaine but i don't like tito

hide and seek, show and tell

everytime i meet someone new they want to know two things. why do i smile so much and what is that thing on my chest? well lets settle it once and for all. i am a huge extrovert i feed off of people. like a freaking monster from war of the worlds. people just get my blood pumping. and i automatically smile and am more prone to laugh. that doesn't mean i'm happy all the time. that doesn't mean i'm even happy at that moment. all it means is that i'm reacting to being around people wonderful people like you who make me smile. it is also a defense mechanism. i don't really care to wallow in whatever is concerning me and overwhelming my thoughts. wait. i take that back. i don't care to have you know all my problems. and if i don't put my defense mechanism on that means i'm just tired of hiding or you caught me with my guard down. because i'm so on the move and have so large of a social circle i have to put on a lot of different faces and i'm sure if you stop and think about it you probably do the same thing. in any case i'd venture to say people only really truly know what's going on with me when i can't deal with being on my own. and when that happens i go see morgan and i go see cristina. no one else. i don't really articulate my feelings very well so if i'm in need of someone's presence to process those are the two people i've got. and i'm happy with them and don't need other people to try and replace them. once my visible emotions are balanced around you then i've gained comfort in our friendship enough that i don't feel like i need to hide behind a smile all the time. if i'm pretty mellow around you and laugh when you laugh and don't feel the need to constantly create situations for laughing and smiling then hey cool you've broken lauren's superficial layer. the thing on my chest is a keloid. a keloid is an over healed scar. my keloid is from the chicken pox. i had the chicken pox when i was 6. the scar started out small and then grew as i grew. i'd remove it if i felt like i needed to. or if it was a danger to my health. but it's just there. and it doesn't hurt. sometimes it'll itch like a bitch but that's the worst of it. so thanks for your concern. :-)