Just when you think it's all said and done

Your best friend goes and reminds you why you were best friends in the first place.

I wasn't really looking forward to going to Denise's house. I don't know why ... I just wasn't excited but then we got to chilling and talking and all I forgot how she knows me better than I know my own damn self and I know her the same way. We connect on that level where we finish each other's sentences and know what to buy for each other at the mall. It's crazy. She's like my soulmate. And sure she gets on my nerves sometimes but that shit happens with everybody.

I love that girl ... It's gonna suck not hearing her voice for awhile.

5 days to go man! WOOOO!

...Back to staring at my packed luggage

Eventful events of the past 48 hours

On Tuesday I had a doctor's appointment so this lady could sign my friggin' forms so I could legitimately leave the friggin' country. I like the doctor because it's never as uncomfortable as a typical girl's physical (because I'm the president of the best club in the world for naive 20 year old girls) would be and this doctor who I've seen once before is really nice. She just talks to you real casual. I liked her!After that I went to go see my uncle Mike and auntie Pat at Choice Cuts (their meat store ... Mike's a butcher). Uncle Mike was sad because I was leaving ... He's so silly. He said I better hurry up and get out of here before he starts to cry.

Then we went to this new restaurant Tony P's! I love it! But they sat a party of 25 (kids and all) right behind us so it wasn't as pleasant as I would've liked but still an early seaside dinner is great.

We made a stop at Best Buy and I was about to buy a digital camera (EEK!) but then I changed my mind. It sounded like too much of a hassle when the store manager was describing it to me.

When I got home Tuesday nite I talked to Michelle on AIM and she was packing for Austria ... to leave the next morning! I was excited for her though. Just really juiced in general because we're coming down to the wire as far as leaving goes. Then Chris and I talked for a bit on the phone and on AIM. He's adjusting to life in Phelan by himself once again.

I had decided that I was going to go to the movies on Wednesday and before I went I stopped at the bookstore and searched for a book on knitting. It was fruitless. But I did leave with 5 lovely parting gifts (The Devil Wears Prada, a Vegetarian cookbook, a yoga book, The Lovely Bones, and a lovely blue tote to carry my goodies in) I LOVE THE BOOKSTORE! It's an addiction I swear.

Then I stopped in The Gap and bought a new pair of pants thanks to this lovely assistant Jean Marie. She was so cheery and put a bright spot in my day. Only somebody that cheery can tolerate shoppers like me who get ready to leave the store twice before finding something else they might like to try on. Oh well you know what they say ... Third time's a charm ... I love my new pants!

I saw Garden State that day and was glad I was alone. I didn't cry it's just one of those things that I needed to experience on an individual basis because the movie was incredible. The camera angles were fabulous and the cinematography just blew me away. I was right there with each character and I've always loved Natalie Portman who should totally be up for an Oscar this year. She was absolutely fabulous. A good movie to end my summer on ... just glad it wasn't Napoleon Dynamite. I didn't like that movie at all. It was not my kind of humor I guess ... I laughed .... It just didn't really do it for me.

anyway ...

I returned home with about 2 hours to get ready for the Angels game. My mom got free tickets from her job but was running late and had no idea how to get there but we made it by the bottom of the third. I'm glad we weren't there earlier. it was possibly the longest 9 inning game I'd ever seen in my life. The KC Royals were really terrible. The Angels had 22 hits in the game and of those 22 hits 21 runs were made. It made no damn sense. 21 - 6 Angels was the final score. It was fun for about 2 innings until you knew there was no way the Royals were going to pull themselves out of such a mess. But either way baseball always puts me in a good mood. I get into a game and I'm real chill and by the time the game's over I'm all pumped! So I had a lot of energy when I got home.

I called Meghan and Molly and talked to Katt and Jack too. It was fun talking to the girls. They all had classes today and I wished I had classes to go to but a whole week and very little packing to do is keeping me in Hawthorne cooling my heels. OK so London is better than USF any day of the week but JESUS can it get here already?

Cristina left today and I talked to her before she got on her plane in Cleveland. I'm a little sad ... I'm not gonna lie. I love her and it will be a rough 7 weeks without her. But that Maroon 5 concert is going to be HOT with my girls! I can't wait.

Aight that's the general update. Back to staring at my packed luggage.

Being part of the MySpace group Black/Ebony Folks does NOT make me a racist

Please get on the real tip young people. I know we're all trying to be politically correct and inclusive of all races but let me break it down for my own damn sanity why I like, love, and need BSU at USF and Black/Ebony folks on MySpace.

I am a black woman. I assume my ancestors came from Africa. I assume they were lured onto a ship and brought across the Atlantic Ocean to slave away in the new world and abandon their royal status in their homeland. I assume that the people that owned my ancestors were named Smith and Clagon and Jones and Shipe. Why do I assume? Because my family history is not written down. I can trace my lineage back to when my great grandmother on my mother's side was born 105 years ago. That's not a lot. 4 generations, compared to the 12-13 I hear some people discuss at great length, sucks actually. Nobody wrote anything about my family because I assume we didn't speak or write in English. I know this story is not unique to black people in America. But I feel a deep sadness when I don't have another country to go home to or to call home anyway. I want to explain it to myself but the words aren't really coming together. I can't say that I'm Egyptian American or Algerian American. Why do I only have to attach an entire continent to my American status because nobody's really sure? But that's fine. I can't change slavery or go back in time 400 years to figure it out.

So ... I connect to some people who happen to be my same color and have this same crisis. We talk, we laugh, we fight. We know what the other is feeling and having that security is what is needed for our survival. I'm searching for an identity that I will never find and in that search I am creating an identity with these people who are doing the same thing. It's like baking something from scratch with no recipe. If you don't have the right ingredients you're going to fuck up a few times. Sometimes you'll just want to give up because it's not turning out just the way you want it. But I for one am continuing to try and bring together this community of people: to establish our culture. I know some people want to try to understand: turn my culture into a trend by saying nigga and think that it's all good because they're my friend. But nothing's going to change if you're not willing to put in the educational prowess this struggle deserves. So, cool, come to my BSU meetings. Join Black/Ebony Folks ... I could give a damn. Just know that you aren't going to connect to me the same way if you aren't coming from this struggle. The struggle didn't end with the Emancipation Proclamation or Jim Crow Laws being abandoned. It's been going on. It's still going on. It's going to keep going on. Don't try to say "Oh yeah, I don't know my family history either." This shit runs so deep you can't even begin to fathom what the world is through my eyes.

Just had to get that off my chest. People make me go off sometimes.

Damn Boyz II Men wasn't lyin'

I just said bye to two of my closest friends today. It's happening in sequential order from last to first friend. I said bye to Lauren first in May, then Cristina and I had our last shopping trip in So. Cal today before she takes off to Rome. Then Donisha and I hit up The Grove and Coldstone's (YUM!) before she leaves tomorrow morning for The Bend. Denise is supposed to come around sometime this week and then when she comes to my house we'll go see Judy.

I love my friends. They all are so special to me in such different ways. I know I'm going to do big thangs this semester it's just the feel of this year. we're halfway there. We're half full on the college education tip. This is the tipping point. I don't even know how things are gonna be when I get back. I'm not afraid though. Just not ready for the changes. You better believe I'm ready to leave though! I would get on that plane today if I could. AND I just figured out that I have a mid-semester break during which I will be exiting the old country to go ... somewhere ... shit everywhere I can!

I was talking to Cristina earlier about just not giving a fuck when I leave. Which in all honesty will more than likely be the case. I'm not a sap (anymore). Shit that used to make me emotional simply does not move me anymore. Does that mean I'm unfeeling, cold, and heartless? NO! I just have a better outlook on things. I don't look at the present and say "Oh this sucks" I look at the present and say "Look what I'm going to have to look forward to in the future." My friends keep me going. They give me hope for that next phase in my life. I'd be really depressed if I dwelled in the present all the time. Everything's going to change when I get back. That's the point! This is life-changing! Do not weep or sulk for what you leave behind. Rejoice for what awaits when you return.

Still ... It's so hard to say goodbye to yesterday (but I'll suck it up for a trip to Europe anyday of the week)