Back on my soap box

I don't want to be in a sorority. Is that so hard to understand? I know you think I'm pretty and great. But I could give a fuck about sisterhood. Maybe it's because I'm an only child. Maybe it's because when girls get together there's nothing but drama. Maybe I've had enough humiliation in my life but please spare me the "You should pledge" bull. I'll pass thanks.My friend Tony, who's like a brother to me recently crossed over and is now an official Kappa Alpha Psi brother. The Kappas are in a word ... BEAUTIFUL. And if greek life didn't make me want to vomit, I would have no problem signing up, especially if it got me close to these beauties. I went to his initiation in Berkeley around finals time. I went to support my brother and my friend and I just had to see what was about to happen. It was ridiculous. 8 weeks of hell and memorizing and feeling like shit. My other friend Mike was hospitalized ... WHO WANTS TO PLEDGE THIS SHIT!!! He nearly fuckin' died. They laid in these wooden boxes for almost 3 hours. then they busted out of these things like they were crazy and had to perform for all these people like some circus monkeys. I'm not down for that, I'm sorry. Do what you do. I'll support you but don't try to sell me. It isn't going to happen.I talked to my mom about it a few days ago, because she asked sincerely why I didn't pledge a sorority. She made a good point though. Having some greek letters attached to your name can get you far ahead in the game. I just don't know if I want to be about that. I want to make it based on my own merit and who I am as a person, not who I know and associate with. Is that wrong? Is it possible? I guess if you're in grad school and you pledge you don't have to go through all the humiliation that is attached to the process but I don't even know if I'm going to grad school anymore (see 4AM Musings below).Fraternities and sororities do really good things in the community. I see Kappas in particular all the time. I was in a tutoring program, headed by a Kappa man. And that's great but when it comes down to it you have to weigh the pros and cons out for yourself. And from my standpoint the cons far outweigh the pros. It's a personal choice and I choose "No" ... thank you.This has been a public service announcement from LSBC Lauren's Soap Box Connection.

That good romance

I'm all dreamy eyed because I just saw The Notebook. Ryan Gosling, an old heart throb from my days of The New Mickey Mouse Club, was really great. People were all crying and stuff. I wasn't crying. I just watched the movie. I was captured I guess. I haven't seen a good romance in a really long time. I was all analyzing the film. It was fun to pick out all the imagery and context clues. It was incredibly typical and cliche. Boy meets girl from other side of the tracks. Boy chases girl. Girl falls for boy. Parents of girl disapprove ... la la la. But I'm such a sucker for that story. It never gets old for me because like every other girl, I secretly want to be rescued and feel that passion for someone the same passion that they feel for me. Shhh ... don't tell (hehe)

4AM musings

It was so hot in my room that I woke up sweating to the sounds of "Cold Hard Bitch" on the TV. I'm glad it's summer and all but damn can I sleep through the night? I forgot to mention yesterday that I am going to (finally) get my new headshots done. I really need them for when I go to London in case I meet people. And my look never changes much (except for when I drastically cut my hair a few months ago :-)) so I could probably keep them for a good three years.Speaking of three years from now ...I went to my cousins' house last weekend to show them pictures from my trip to India and my cousin Sandra told me not to go to grad school. She makes a good point. I'd be studying acting if I went where I want to go (Tisch School of The Arts at NYU.) But maybe she's right. People in the industry don't look at your degrees, they look at your experience. If I want to act I need to act. I have to be out there on auditions. Believe me, this is what I want to do in theory but the trouble was a five letter word: LOANS. I've racked up a lot of them but wonder of wonders and miracle of miracles ... my mom's cashing out on the house and she said she'll be able to use the money to pay off the two private loans we took out for USF and pay off The London Theatre Program. So with that out of the way and a significantly lower tuition bill when I return from London, considering I'll be living off-campus ... maybe I can live on my own and go on auditions. How crazy is that?Since high school I've wanted to do National Evangelization Team and give retreats for young people and high school kids. This would require a one-year commitment from me. I thought about applying and doing the program fresh out of high school. But my mother advised against it. She was right. It would've sucked to be older than all the people in my year in school ... well it wouldn't have been that bad but I would've missed out on some great friends and some valuable lessons had I deferred enrollment for an entire year. So maybe now that I won't have as much loans to pay off I can do NET. AH! I hate money it opens and closes so many doors!K ... I'm done ... If this made no sense ... don't blame me ... blame the heat for waking me up at 3:30AM.

Starving for stimulation

I want a boyfriend ... I know, I know you've heard it all before! ... for real this time though.I'm lonely as hell here. Can I just get a nice young man who is doing things. A guy who thinks about me every now and then. Somebody who wants to hold my hand. Most of all I just need some mind sex. Some mental stimulation. Someone to keep it up until the sun rises or my head falls on a pillow fully satisfied. It's killing me. I haven't had good conversation with a guy in so long. I'm really starting to worry about their entire species. Are they not capable of holding conversation anymore? What is the issue? I'd like to know. I don't need you to buy me nice things ... When it comes down to it I'm a simple girl with really simple needs: faithfulness, a hand to hold, ears to listen, a mouth to speak intelligently. Why is that so hard to give? I'm OK on my own but the thing is ... I've been on my own for my entire life. Yeah I've had the occasional guy to date and kiss but where's the satisfaction in just going to dinner or a movie? Where's the guy who cares about me as a person, who has goals and aspirations and wants to share all of them with me? Am I asking too much? Please let me know, because I still think it's a very simple request. I've never been one to really wait around for opportunity to knock on my door. Ask all of my past crushes. Maybe I'm going about it all wrong. I've tried the be-demure-do-your-own-thing-because-they-always-come-when-you're-not-looking road. That didn't help! I did my thing all year, made sure I didn't have time to look for or think about looking for a guy. HELLO!! Still single! Maybe things will change when I leave. I love going to new places because this is a chance to re-invent myself. Somebody's gotta come through in London or maybe I'll just come back different and that'll open me up to a new possibility or two in the city. I'm still frustrated though! I've got 7 weeks before I go there. That's a long time of talking to myself. Ok i'm done venting ... for now

All the plumber's butt but no plumber!

HAHAHA oh this morning was comedy with the technician from SBC. We've been having computer issues and so my mom called SBC in a panic because she was sure it was the connection. Which it's not ... but anyway! The technician comes around 11. He's a big guy. I always feel bad for the pleasingly plump people that have to work on things at our place because they have to walk up two flights of stairs. So when he finally got to the top he's breathing all hard as he sits down to check out our computer. I tell him that I don't think it's the connection but he can check it anyway. He tells me it isn't the connection, it's the computer (which I already knew) I'm chilling watching him screw around to kill time and I look down and see so much crack I'd swear I was in an abandoned alley way at home. It just wasn't right. How do u tell people they need to pull up their pants? I don't think he was wearing any underwear though because there was just too much booty. I'm sorry this is terrible but still funny. So he's sitting here and his head is just bobbing like he's conducting business in India and he must have a blocked passage way because it sounded like he was snoring. He's talking about the money it's gonna cost for the tech visit and then he gets a page from his supervisor to let him know that my dad is an SBC employee so he starts talking me up and being all nice. It was amusing but I was not impressed. People only treat you nice when you can do something for them. What's that about?! A customer is a customer.

Keep on rockin' in the free world

Shit I'm fucking pissed. I just saw Farenheit 9/11 and I could just throw something at the Bush asshole that is fucking responsible for all this bull. AAHHH!!! I'm so mad. So what am I going to do with all this anger? Well my trip to Ohio will not be in vain. Ohio is one of the biggest swing states in the country and I'm going armed with voter registration info. It's just the right way to do things. We have to be heard and somebody needs to let this man know that he is incapable of running my country. There's hope for something a lot better than the idiot that sits atop the US throne right now. Fuck Iraq! Fuck Oil! Fuck the fucking president! I'm done!

On Death and Dying

I'm really glad that my great grandmother is going to be closer to the family. She just turned 95 a few days ago and has been in Oxnard living on C Street for as long as I can remember. I rarely visited but now I can see her much more often. Her daughter: my great aunt Trudi is currently in a convalescent home and the family is going to move my great grandmother there with her. We went to go see Trudi and she played this tape that she came across when she was moving. It was a telephone conversation with my grandfather (her brother) and grandmother. I don't remember my grandmother but people say I look and act like her. I wish I could remember what she looked like. She died when I was three. The recording was right after she had a mild stroke. It was weird. It was like talking to somebody from beyond the grave, you know? She was really positive and just laughed through the stroke like it was nothing. Sometimes I wish I could talk to my loved ones who have passed on. I have one grandparent still living and that's going to be really hard when she passes on. I loooovee my grandma. She's my absolute favorite relative and she's so cool. She started going back to school when I started college. Isn't that awesome? I think about death a lot and how it affects me and doesn't affect me. My grandfather on my mother's side died when I was about 9. I met him once but I cried and cried when he died. My grandfather on my dad's side died when I was 17 and I knew he was really sick and I didn't cry at all. This girl Rolanda that I used to go to school with had cancer and she was a make-a-wish kid and all she wanted to do was go to high school. She passed away 2 months after senior year started. I went to her funeral and cried for her. She wasn't my best friend or anything just a girl I knew and liked as a person; but I guess there are different things that move me to tears for different people who have passed on. I wonder sometimes how it's gonna be when I die and who will be there to celebrate my life. Is that weird? I guess it's kind of morbid but I'm sort of numb to the feelings these days with all the violence and death that I see on TV everyday. I don't even want to watch the news anymore. That shit makes people afraid to go outside and stay inside. It eats away at your spirit, drive, and soul. And if we decide to do either ... what happens to humanity? What really will be the death of me? Fear or a gun? What will die first? My spirit or my body?

Time

I was on the phone with Harry from SBC telling him I couldn't connect to the internet this morning. He took me through a 45 minute process to finally tell me that there is an outage in my neighborhood that would be fixed by tomorrow. Tomorrow?! I said to myself... what am I supposed to do without my beautiful DSL? Oh how I long for that good LAN Network at USF. When I could turn on my computer and just be connected to the rest of the world. I didn't have to dial shit. But DSL is at least much better than a 32 KBps Dial up connection right? It's all the same thing, it's just going to take me a little longer to get there. And where were we without cell phones? How did wives let their husbands know they were going to be a little late for dinner? Don't you remember the days without cell phones? When you had to memorize numbers and write them down in phone books or post them on your bulletin board? Wasn't it nice? Remember when you used to go outside and play? Don't you miss not having the interaction with another human being? We need physical contact. There was a study performed by some Ivy-League kids that said if you are not touched or held as a baby your life span is cut drastically short. That's what the world is coming to. Pretty soon we won't need doctors and lawyers and professors; Everything will be done online or with a robot. I don't know about you but that shit scares me. Sometimes I just want to talk on the phone with you and not IM you. I like the anticipation of telling you my good news in person. Is that wrong? Wait a few extra minutes while I walk down the street ... I don't have anything against new things. I think it's wonderful: the educational prowess of people but before you buy that fast as hell internet connection or your boost mobile phone, think of the risks. If that shit stops working your stress intensity shoots through the roof. Your heart starts beating faster because of the anticipation that has been created. If you're not instantly and constantly gratified anymore you're susceptible to ulcers and heart attacks and even death. I wanna live, not waste my time on inanimate objects. The world is moving so fast and I have become the poster-child for a generation spoiled by technology. Why does everything have to be faster? Why do we want to live so fast? I believe we have only one life so why not cherish it for all the time that it gives you and not all the time that it takes away. This has been a Public Service Announcement from your not-so-normal broadcast of LSBC Lauren's Soap Box Connection.

My new school

This is where i'll be going in 7 weeks. Ben Kingsley did this program, and Orlando Bloom, and Fiona Shaw! How cool is that? BADA

Audio blogger was just calling to me

Welcome to a revolution in live journaling recently discovered by Me!

My culture is not a trend

So my new friend had a blog on his page regarding the use of the word nigga by people who aren't black. He had a good point and it got me thinking so here's what I said to him. "I feel that. Did u see the episode of The Real World San Diego. People were coming out of the wood works saying "I use the N-Word all the time" and they were not black. It's ridiculous how uneducated people are. But what dissappoints me is not so much the use of the word but the fact that nobody has ever taken the time to tell somebody who uses that word unnecessarily that they are wrong and why they are wrong. I've been on both sides where I will use the word in a sort of defiance of what it used to be or I won't use the word at all because of where it comes from. But I feel and have always felt strongly as a black woman that I can make that choice. Not a lot of people know that the word cracker a term I often heard growing up, came from the slave owner cracking the whip on the backs of his slaves. So I wonder if white people today realize that when that term is used it should hurt. It should be derogatory. They should feel ... something. Maybe when slavery is finally over we can start [to] address these situations. I don't mean writing a law or an amendment. I mean education. Our children aren't being taught tolerance in school and on TV. They're being taught to fear each other so how do we as young people work to transform that fear into something constructive?"